Losing The Security Blanket

Over the last few months I had let my hair grow pretty long. Considering the 3 surgeries I have had in 5 months that limited my mobility, I appreciated being able to take 30 seconds to tie my hair up in a pony tail or have someone do it for me (which happened more than you would think...) I needed that option. Yes, it was fun playing around with my long, super curly hair...but I did not feel pretty. Thinking back on my favorite haircut, it was my senior year of college...I loved it. It was short. It was sassy. It felt like "me."

So, I was having a chit chat with Mom this morning, trying to decide which picture to submit along with an article that will be featured next Tuesday on http://www.hugsforstrength.com/. She mentioned my favorite haircut...which got the gears turning in my head.

It is about to be summer time...I need a change...I want to feel sassy and brave again. oh, and pretty. Call me vain but I want to feel attractive again.

Cutting my hair would be like asking a child to give up their favorite teddy bear. I have to admit I am back to hiding behind my hair....and behind scarves. You know that song by Sugarland? She sings, "Little Miss hide your scars..." I have become that Little Miss.  My latest neck scar is not even bad...considering what was done! But my confidence feels a lot lower...I feel beaten down lately. I have not felt like writing. I do not feel like talking. God help you if you try to make me do anything I don't feel like doing... I do not understand why---I should be ecstatic...and I am...but I feel like so much has been taken from me. I feel....................like an emotional basket case? Yes.

I sat here on the couch and cried...not in a "I feel sorry for myself way" but a "you idiot, you are the one lecturing others about melanoma. Cut your hair. Show your scars. Let people see that melanoma really CAN happen" type of way. I felt ridiculous for being so nervous. Who cares if people stare at me? I will politely smile and make them realize they are being rude.

So, I got in the car and went to see my hair stylist. I knew if I waited, I would change my mind. When my very young stylist asked about my scars, I flat out told her "I have had two surgeries since January for stage III melanoma. Soooo, yeah....don't tan." And I smiled and kind of laughed.

Why hide it?

The stylist next to her was so amazed by my scars...He said had I not said anything, he would have never noticed them. (Thanks, bud. I am not sure if you were just being polite or what but you made this girl smile.)

I have been through too much in the last 4 months to start hiding again. I will wear shirts that show my back. I will wear a bathing suit that shows all of my scars...including my "bullet holes." I will enjoy my sassy hair cut...and I will feel sorry for the first idiot who makes a rude comment about my many scars. No one can do a guilt trip quite as good as I can. ;-)