Melanoma and Relationships

There should be a self-help book based on how to deal with your significant other after she has been diagnosed with cancer. It should begin with "Pay little attention to the major mood swings...They, too, will pass."

I have blogged about Mr. Spots quite a bit in the past. It is always a hard decision for me about what I should write and what I shouldn't; however, I said I was going to be honest and I am sticking to that. Anyone who has faced a difficult road in life knows that we all handle things differently. Some of us face things head on, others do whatever that can be done to ignore the less than pleasant experiences life throws at us. I am the type of person that is sometimes so independent it comes across as being stubborn, and then there are other times when I am a scared little girl. If I am going to "break down" and cry, Mr. Spots has been my go-to guy. I turn to him with every positive update, every scary statistic, every ounce of hope, and unfortunately...every bit of anger.

Case in point--this most recent surgery.

I was scared out of my mind about this latest surgery. I had no idea what to expect, what the outcome would be, what side effects I would be stuck with, etc. Honestly, I was a little ticked off that he was not around to experience all of it with me. In my very selfish brain, I thought that as my "partner" he should have been by my side during the scariest day of my life. I could not get past the resentment I felt towards him for being elsewhere. I mean, there I was, taking drastic steps for HOPE that I can beat this thing, and he was home living his "normal" life.

Now that I am more calm, have good news, and regaining the ability to use my arms, I realize that I was being a bit selfish. He has a little boy, family, and school. He can't drop everything every single time I have a cancer scare. I can't say it does not sting a little, but one thing this whole experience has taught me is that I have to pick my battles carefully. He has been a blessing to me...my outlet when I am too scared to tell anyone else the horrible thoughts I am having, my partner in crime when I want to have some fun, my ball of energy when I can hardly stand to get out of bed, and my boyfriend.....Regardless of the cancer craziness, Mr. Spots continues to remind me he loves me, reminds me that I am beautiful---scary scars and all---and he loves me...really loves me.

I have to remember to give the guy a break sometimes...just like he has to remember my mood swings are sometimes earned...and that despite my tough girl act, I need him.

That is why I am thankful he is on his way to see me today. We have some apologizing and celebrating to do.

Give and take. That's how relationships survive, right?

My First Hospital Stay...

...told in mainly picture form. Sorry, I am exhausted!

Wearing my stylish hospital gear

before heading into surgery.

Mom captured the moment...

and my absolute joy.

I woke up in the recovery room around 8 PM with extreme nausea.

Luckily for you, there are no pictures.

 I was able to see my family for about ten minutes...Long enough to start crying!

I remember looking at Mom, "I'm going to cry."

And sure enough, I did.

They kept me on oxygen

until about 10:00 PM and finally took me to my room thirty minutes later.

I remember trying to watch Grey's Anatomy with my nurse Pam

but I could not stay awake.

I made out pretty well the night of surgery. I had an amazing, young nurse Audrey

who took special care of me.

Day Two:

I had good drugs in my system...

obviously.

Without the drugs,

I was close to miserable.

I did have pretty presents to help make my room more comfy...

from The Sharpley's!

"Hope you are back in heels soon!"

Thanks, Brie!

Ashley claims it is only appropriate

to send me flowers in a margarita glass...

Too bad there was no tequila!

From my baby sister...perfect.

From a special sorority sister...

Curious George is totally my secret man.

Look at that face!

*I received other special gifts from another sorority sister, a teddy bear

that kept me company from my Dad & Step Mom, scarves and chocolate

from my special fellow melanoma warrior, and I arrived

home to numerous cards from you all.

THANK YOU. I wish I could post pictures of everything.

Back to the medical stuff...

Here is the left arm incision after my full lymph node dissection.

The two drains coming from my left arm...

Most painful part of the first few days!

Neck drain and incision.

I have not seen the actual incision yet...

It has to remained covered for another week.

The lovely case my drains went into..I had two and they clunk together

as I walked.

I am telling ya...I was a pretty picture!

My breathing toy...Supposed to blow into it ten times every hour.

It has been quite difficult for me.

I was in the hospital for 4 nights.

My discharge process began at 6:15 Monday morning;

however, I did not actually leave until 10:00.

The last night in the hospital was the worst.

I was extremely ill. Luckily Audrey was working again

and she, once again, took special care of me.

Release from "jail"

My aide Rachel said, "My friend is leaving today! Now I don't want to see you back here."

I told Rachel I hope to see her again...but not at Sloan Kettering Cancer Center.

Now I am back in Virginia, tucked into bed, sore as sore can be...

Like the last time I had surgery, I have developed an allergic reaction.

Notice my incision, my two bullet holes from the drains, and my rash.

Maybe you will stop going to the tanning bed now?

The end of my hospital visit brought me amazing, unexpected news...

An ALL CLEAR PATHOLOGY REPORT!!!

Now...I need to go rest. The horrible New Jersey roads took a lot out of me today.

I feel beat!

XO, friends.

The healing begins now.

A Peace of Mind

One week ago I left Virginia filled with anxiety for the surgery, fear for the pain and the pathology report, and clinging to hope that things were going to turn around for me.

Now, one week later, I leave New York with 5 new scars, little strength in my arms, but I am leaving with a peace of mind that to our knowledge--and we took extreme steps to find out--there is no melanoma in my body.

I will never forget Dr. Glinda walking into Suite 7 at the hospital with a stack of papers. My appointment was to remove the drains; however, I had the slight suspicion when her office called to ask me to come in that the pathology report had returned. "It is not finalized yet, it is fresh off the press, but everything was clear." "Yeah, I had to read it twice before I believed it, too."

I do not mean to sound like a debbie downer, but I did believe at least a few nodes would come back positive. Look at my track history...Do you blame me for assuming that? I have a feeling that even though Dr. Glinda told me she did not see anything suspicious, she was still as shocked as I was to have the "all clear" report.

She said to me, "You know your other oncologist told you not to do this surgery...and all of your nodes came back negative..."

I interrupted, "But I have a peace of mind."

"Exactly."

I thank Dr. Glinda for that. When I first met with her, she did not pressure me one way or another. She gave me my options, she listed the risks, but she understood that at 23 my life was in shambles. Melanoma completely consumes me. To have a peace of mind, well...there is no price for that.

Dr. Glinda complimented me on the way that I have handled this. She said I have handled it with grace and poise. That means a lot to me. At times I know some of my questions were probably ridiculous, but I have to know everything I can about this unpredictable disease. Being the kind, amazing doctor that she is, Dr. Glinda hugged me as we were leaving. It was not that fake, "you did good" hug. It was the "Thank God this was the outcome."

Like I have said before, I feel very thankful to have her on my side.

The realization of the "all clear" report did not start to hit me until I called Mr. Spots in the lobby of the hospital. It started to feel real. Then when I got in touch with my Dad a few minutes later, I completely fell apart. "Daddy, all of my nodes were clear." He hesitated. "What?" "All of my nodes came back clear." He screamed, "Already? ALL of your nodes were clear? Praise God."  And the tears started... on both ends.

So, here we are, one week later, and I am packing up my stuff to head back to truly heal in Virginia with the peace of mind I have been praying for since January. I know that I have a long fight ahead of me, serious decisions to make, but right now, in this very moment, I am going to enjoy the relief.

Going back to my obsession with The Wizard of Oz, there is no place like home.

Another Chance at Life

I  can hardly stop shaking enough

to write this post.

I do not know how to start it, so I am just going to blurt it out.

Dr. Charlotte Ariyan, AKA Dr. Glinda the Good Witch--
named
for her beautiful smile, her curly blonde hair,
and because she is my protector against my enemy melanoma-
 gave me the best news of my life today.

ALL of my lymph nodes that were removed

on Thursday

came back NEGATIVE for melanoma.

Yes, you read it right:

NEGATIVE FOR MELANOMA.

Thank you God.

Thank you to my amazing, AMAZING doctors.

Thank you to my could-not-live-without family.

Thank you to my friends...close and far.

I have a lifetime of fighting ahead of me,

I will always have Stage III Melanoma,

but right now...

I have No Evidence of Disease.

Today...is the best day of my life.

*I will post more when I can think clearly. As you can imagine, I am in shock.

Making A Difference

Today a stranger quit her job at a tanning salon

and quit tanning after hearing my story.

I was doing my job of doing nothing but resting when my sister sent me a text message today.

"My friend at work quit working at a tanning salon and tanning because of you."

I have never met this girl...she only knows me from Cara, --and I know this is going to sound dramatic--but my story could have saved her life today. At the very least, it will keep her wrinkle free for longer. ;-)

I have often wondered what the "meaning" behind all of this cancer craziness, but today I feel like it is worth something...I am making a difference.

And I am pretty darn proud of myself.

Freedom, Freedom, Freeeeeedom!

I got released from the hospital a few hours ago! I will post a full update later but I am back in the hotel, minus one drain, all clean--thanks to Mom and some creative maneuvering--and in fresh PJ's. I still have the stylish drain in my left arm but the right one was removed this morning.

As you can see, there is no hiding this baby! It makes dressing very difficult.

Oh, and you should have seen the looks I received from the New York City folks. I am sure I was a pretty picture...standing on the sidewalk, numerous flower arrangements, a Vera Bradley bag, two teddy bears, and a pillow. Oh..and my bloody drain that was visible even though I had a jacket over me.

Nothing like making a scene! ;-)

Nap time!!



Dear nurses,

Please do not wear perfume or strong smelly stuff while you are seeing patients.

Sincerely,

Your super nauseous patient.