Try, Try, and Try Again.

I am a believer in modern medicine, there is no hiding that. Although I admire the people who choose to heal themselves through ways besides medicine, I am not one to try it without the assistance of modern medicine. I feel like the risk is too high. That is just my personal belief. When I learned that I have stage III melanoma, I wanted drugs, preferably the kind to cure this black beast. As you all well know, there is no cure for melanoma. 

What would I do to keep myself healthy? Anything. Really, I would do just about anything. I know many of my molemates would agree; if there is a way to keep us on this planet, we will give it our best shot. Does that mean we would try Sildenafil? Yes, it is also known as Viagra, the drug that gained its fame with its ability to help men in the bedroom.

One day, we might. Today, melanoma is in the headlines again. (Woo hoo!) According to the article, " it is very well possible that sildenafil can also inhibit the immunosuppressive effects of inflammation and thus improve anti-tumour immunity in people with melanoma."

I posted the link to this news article on my Facebook feed. Immediately we--mostly melanoma warriors-- all started making jokes. My favorite comment was: "I'm all for this but someone better warn my wife."  Something tells me that if the drug helps keep this guy alive, his wife will accept his....... umm.......energy!


Whatever it takes, right? 

Itch, Itch.

Scratch, Scratch. Boy, I am ITCHY! I have had a few issues with having itchy skin following treatment, but this time I actually have little rashes on my arms! After spending most of the afternoon at work scratching my arms, I called the research nurse at Sloan Kettering to report my side effects. The thing about the clinical trial that is sometimes annoying is that they want to know each & every change in your normal life. Sure enough, when I explained what the rash looks like and how I feel very feverish, she had The Wizard call in some topical cream. So far, it is working on my arms. I am still itchy, but I believe with the help of benadryl, I will be able to sleep. Although uncomfortable, this is exciting. With a clinical trial, side effects are good things.

I was browsing my "tagged" pictures on Facebook last night and came across pictures of something famous............

Introducing:

My Primary Melanoma

That little tiny mole on my left shoulder

is what turned my life upside down.

(I was singing in the first picture...great wedding!)

Anyway, I just wanted to post a quick hello! My first day back to work took a toll on me...It's almost bed time. I hope everyone had a peaceful Monday!

Up in the Air

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"Up in the air, I looked out the window at the clouds 

and I remember thinking,

Thank you, God. 

Thank you for taking me through that storm of craziness

and having me come out the other side as a

whole, happy girl without too much damage."

~Kris Jenner.

Please do not judge me for reading Kris Jenner's new book. I am almost embarrassed to tell people that I am reading it, but she got my attention during one of her interviews. She started discussing the OJ Simpson drama and, well, it got me hooked. (She is good at what she does--gaining attention--there is no doubt about it.) I vividly remember watching the news when Nicole was murdered, I remember the Bronco, and I remember the disbelief when the jury found OJ not guilty of the murders. Sooooo, I had to read it. Don't judge me.

Little did I know that Kris Jenner would write something that struck home for me. While in the air yesterday, I read the above quote. Great timing, right? That perfectly describes how I am feeling. The last 10 months of my life have been ridiculously crazy; however, I am happier thanI have ever been. I know now what is important in life. Don't get me wrong, I fully realize that my lifetime of melanoma will continue to be stressful, sad, and frustrating, but I feel blessed that I went through my own version of hell and came out on top. My heart is bruised. I am not always cheerful, sometimes I am very bitter, and I still wonder why God picked me to face this battle at only 23 years old, but I know that it is all for a reason. I am a full time resident of Hotel Melanoma, and until they scatter my ashes in the ocean, I always will be. 

I will be the resident with a battered body, a scarred heart, and a smile on her face. 

Always.

Let's Get To the Point

I pay attention to facial expressions. Does the doctor avoid eye contact? Is he smiling? Doe he look at Mom? Does he shake my hand or simply sit down in front of me? In my head, if a doctor has good news for me, he should walk in, shake my hand, smile at me, give Mom a reassuring look and get right to the point.

Shouldn't I know by now that life rarely happens how I think it should happen?

Today began with a session with the vampires. 17 tubes of blood, a low grade fever, and nerves. Then I was finally called back to see The Wizard. Those few minutes sitting in the waiting room were torture. It's like waiting for a jury to decide the verdict: Do I get to live my life for another 3 months or will the black beast show his face? Where will the new tumors be? My liver, my lungs, my brain?

The nurse walks in to ask the normal "how are you?" questions. Because the trial paperwork had changed a little since the last time I was there (they added a part about male's sexual capability...obviously, as the nurse said, that doesn't apply to me; however, it broke the tension and made us laugh.) I had to sign my life away. While I was signing the paperwork, in walks The Wizard. I look up, he's super casual, says hi, sits down on the examination chair, and starts talking to the nurse. I am basically holding my breath and thinking, "Oh crap. He normally tells me AS he is walking into the room that I am fine. Why isn't he talking to me?!" Then The Wizard says, "How are you?" I started telling him that I feel great. He says, "Oh, by the way, you are great! Your scans were fine." Dude. Did you really almost give me a panic attack and then downplay my No Evidence of Disease results?

Really?

Then I got over it because I AM CLEAR, I AM CLEAR, I AM CLEAR!!!

THANK YOU, GOD! THANK YOU, MODERN MEDICINE! THANK YOU, FAMILY & FRIENDS! A special thank you to my Mom for holding my hand, once again, this week.

I AM CLEAR!

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Joking...

.................Sort of.

So, how did I celebrate? 

A visit to the chemo suite, duh!

I have to stay healthy.

I also celebrated by meeting a new friend in the waiting
room while waiting for the Chemo Nurse to call me.
She is my age, beautiful, and has an amazing attitude.
More on that meeting soon...
Lord knows, I hate this cancer, but I love the people
it has allowed me to meet.

Your thoughts, messages, phone calls, and constant support have gotten me through this very tough week. Seriously. I do not think I will ever be able to explain how much the support I receive helps me through this new life. Cancer is so unpredictable, but I know that no matter what results I receive, I will have a group behind me, pushing me forward. You all encourage me to fight even when I don't feel like fighting. 

Scan day.

I didn't bring my laptop with me so this will be a very short post typed on my iPad! Pop made out very well with his surgery. He actually sent me a text before I flew to NJ. Your prayers worked. Again!

My appointment with my dermatologist did not go as well as I had hoped. Dr. cool Guy removed a mole located near my primary melanoma. I should hear those results in ten days. I think I am their favorite patient. The lovely nurse asked me to hang out a few extra minutes so that the new nurse could meet me just in case I call with a problem. "You give her whatever she wants." yay! Apparently if you have melanoma, a dermatologist considers you to be a priority. Both the nurse and the dermatologist asked 100 questions about Mr. Spots and I. Apparently they think we need to get married. I explained that we've been a little preoccupied! ;-) ya know...melanoma being time consuming and all.

The eye doc appointment lasted--literally-- five minutes. He asked if I had any eye issues, if I could see the letters on the screen, and sent me on my way. I am a bit bitter that I missed Anderson Cooper for that!

Scans went well.... The juice I was forced to drink was as yummy as always. (Picture will be posted soon.) all in all, it was an uneventful scan appointment.

Tomorrow morning I meet with The Wizard to receive my results. Fingers crossed for good news. I am truly in live with my new normal life and I am so, so scared of losing it....so scared. I don't want to be a full time cancer patient again. Siiiiiigh.

Confidence is important so I am going to believe in myself. Whatever it is, I will face it head on. I've got this.


But...extra prayers and good juju are much appreciated, as always.

All my love,

Chelsea.

And It Begins

It is time for me to step away from my almost normal life & go back to being a cancer patient. (Do I sound bitter? I'm not.............well, I am not too bitter. I will be better in the morning. I promise.)

Because life is going to be hectic, I thought I would post my schedule here:

Tomorrow morning, November 2nd, at 8 am, my Pop heads in for surgery. I truly hate that I will not be there with my Gran and Pop. Pop has a special, special place in my heart, as most of you know. Knowing he is going through a big surgery, and I literally cannot be there, makes me sad and frustrated. If you could send some good juju his way, I know my family will be extremely grateful.

Two of my Molemates, Brandi & Becca, are also heading in for scans this week. These beautiful YOUNG ladies are true fighters. Please send prayers to them. They have both had such a rough year. They DESERVE good news.

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11/2/2011: 9:00 I have my 3 month dermatologist appointment with Dr. Cool Guy. It has been a while since I have seen him since I had my last skin check at Sloan Kettering, so I know we will have a lot to catch up on.

12:45 I fly to Newark, NJ where I will meet my mom! (The best part about having to travel for treatment and scans.)

11/3/2011

10:30 I meet with an Ophthalmologist at Memorial Sloan Kettering. Because Yervoy is known to cause inflammation of the eye, my oncologist, The Wizard, is following protocol.

11:30 I begin drinking my yummy (ha!) scan juice. My 3 month scans will follow consumption of that disgusting red juice.

1:45 FREEDOM! Mom & I plan to fully enjoy your afternoon and hopefully meet up with some fellow melanoma warriors.

11/4/2011

9:00 I head back to Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center to meet with The Wizard for blood work, check-up, and scan results. (Prayers please.)

11:00 Assuming my results are great, I will head for my next dose of treatment.

5 PM: Assuming all news is good news, I will celebrate with my Momma.

11/5/2011 I fly back home.

Phew. It is a big week for my family. Emotions are running high, patience is running thin. I have to believe that everything will be OK. I have to believe that.....But honestly, "I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes."


I'm saying goodnight to the Internet world. I need some cuddle time with my guy.

Write to you soon from NYC!

What We Don't Like To Talk About

Since it is Halloween, I thought I would discuss a scary topic...Recurrence.

Most people are under the impression that when you are diagnosed with melanoma, a doctor will "cut" the melanoma out, and "you will be fine." I have been told that over and over again. Here's the thing: That is not always true. Even if you catch melanoma in the early stages, there is a slight chance that it will come back. When melanoma returns, it is called a Recurrence.

Melanoma warriors hate the idea of a recurrence. Obviously, right? I know what you are thinking. The likelihood of melanoma returning after you "beat" it is slim. Wrong! According to MD Anderson Cancer Center, "Melanoma patients have a high risk of developing new melanomas. Some also are at risk of a recurrence of the original melanoma in nearby skin or in other parts of the body."

Since I am stage III, I am going to discuss the likelihood of me having a recurrence. While trying to find reliable sources to find statistics since I do not know the actual numbers (I try to ignore these scary numbers) I found this depressing statement. On the American Cancer Society's page discussing melanoma, it discusses using adjuvant therapy with interferon to help "fight off recurrence longer."

OK...maybe I am being fussy, but I absolutely hate the way that they have worded the above statement. I am all about positive thinking...I guess this is why I do not look at these sites, huh?

Anyway, proof that recurrence is likely is in their use of the word "longer." If recurrence was not popular, I believe they would have simply said, "...using adjuvant therapy with interferon to help fight off recurrence." Maybe I am getting too upset about their use of the word "longer." Maybe....

According to the Melanoma Research Foundation, the risk of recurrence depends on a few things:
"thickness of the primary tumor, with thicker tumors carrying greater risk than thin tumors, the presence of ulceration in the primary tumor and the presence of satellite metastases surrounding the primary tumor. The probability that melanoma will recur after appropriate treatment is characterized as low- intermediate-risk, or high-risk.

• Low-risk: less than 20% risk of recurrence
• Intermediate-risk: 20-50% risk of recurrence
• High-risk: greater than 50% risk of recurrence. High-risk melanoma has a high probability of having already spread to local or distant sites at the time of treatment." (article here.)

My doctors have told me that it is likely that I will have a recurrence in the next two years OR never again. No one knows. I could go 50 years and then find another funky spot...or I could find a new one on Wednesday....or melanoma could be found in my organs. Melanoma tends to love lungs, livers, and brains. Scary enough for you?

If you would like to view other scary statistics, click here. My 5-year Relative Survival (%) is 61.7. Improvement! When I first started viewing the statistics, before my doctors warned me against looking at them, my 5-year survival rate was somewhere in the 50% range.

Next time you hear of someone having melanoma, please be sensitive. It is not "just" skin cancer. It is scary. It is a guessing game for even the medical world. It is my version of The Wicked Witch...How dare melanoma try to take my happiness!

My red slippers are on & I am ready to fight.