"What's Wrong with Your Skin?"

On the eve of the eve of the eve of my 3 year Cancerversary, it seems appropriate that my stepson asks those 6 little words: “What’s wrong with your skin?”

As I’ve previously blogged before, I’ve never hidden my cancer from G, but I’ve never flat out said, “I have cancer.” He knows that we have to be very careful in the sun, that sunscreen is a must, and that I travel to New York every 3 months to see my doctor. He, the little 3 year old sweet pea, watched as I threw up two nights after my first major surgery due to too much pain medicine. He points at my “boo-boos” and my “sunken hole” in my neck. He’s aware I’ve been sick. He just hasn’t heard the word Cancer.

I hear from parents who think I’m shielding him too much. I receive emails from dads who think I’m doing the right thing by educating him without scaring him. I hear it all. (Hello, hate mail! Hello, love letters!) But, I know our little guy which is why I’ve always felt like I’ve handled my sickness in the best way possible when it comes to him.

So, you can imagine my surprise when I walk into daycare yesterday, and the very first thing he says to me is, “What’s wrong with your skin?” I touch my face and say, “I don’t know?” We pack up and head to the car. I help him into his booster seat and he says again, “What’s wrong with your skin?” Again, I tell him I don’t know; I will have to look. I get into my seat and pull down the mirror, “I don’t see anything.”

Then he says something I wasn’t expecting: “My mommy said your skin made you sick. I can’t kiss your or give you my germs because we can’t let you get sick.”

Oh.

So the time has come.

On the car ride home from daycare yesterday, I have that conversation I didn’t want to have. “Remember my boo-boos and the hole in my neck? Well when I was a kid I had too many sunburns and I used a tanning bed. When I got older, those years of burns caught up with me and made me very sick. It gave me something called melanoma. That is why I go to New York and why we always use sunscreen.” He thinks about it for a second and says, “So you are sick?” I sigh. “No buddy. I’m not sick. I was sick, but I go back to the doctor often to make sure that I don’t get sick again. I just have to be careful when it comes to catching germs because I have to go see my doctor next week.” That seemed to satisfy him.

…At least until we got home. G points to my back, “But you still have a boo-boo.” I told him to feel my scar, to prove to him that it doesn’t hurt, that it has healed. That, knowing I wasn’t hurt, satisfied him and he ran off to play.

I am very lucky that I’ve never had to be brutally honest with G. I’m glad I’ve never had to tell him “I have cancer.” I feel extremely fortunate that I’ve always just been his Chelsea.

Today, on the eve of the eve of my 3 year Cancerversary, I pray that I never have to tell him otherwise.



*I'm very thankful G's mom is very considerate of my health & the need to keep germs away! :-)

The Second Thanksgiving

Pinterest

Like many of you, I have a new perspective on Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving isn't held on one day in the crisp month of November. No sir. Thanksgiving is every day of every year. How do you sum up what you're thankful for in just a few words? Although I tried to do so last year, I can't. It's as simple and as complicated as this: I'm thankful to live a happy and healthy life surrounded by incredible people.

This year I feel like I need to take the time to thank each and every one of you for your continued love and support. I started this blog in February 2011 at the suggestion of my mom. Nervously, I posted it to my Facebook, and boy, it took off. You read, you commented, and you shared. Now just a year and 8 months later, this little diary of mine has been viewed 285,035 times. I wanted to share my story my hopes of changing minds about tanning and the need for sun protection. Because of YOU, I am accomplishing my goal. Thank you.

 

This was a gift from my new friend Donna! (Appropriate for today's posting, yes?) Donna had this in her RV on Saturday and my sister and I both commented on it. What arrived at my doorstep yesterday? This. One for me and one for my sister. Did I mention how truly blessed we are to have made such a great new friend?  I am so excited about seeing her again next week!

Alright, friends, get off the computer and go spend time with your loved ones.

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

"I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes..."

I am feeling nervous tonight. Everything about my life has changed and I have very little control over any of it. Is reality hitting me again?

The other day, after reading one of my posts, my friend Kasey sent me a message that accurately describes WHY I am so angry. Having been through the fear of finding out her body was invaded by cancer, she 'gets it.' She wrote, "Someone is stealing something from you that most people never consider possible...your freedom of choice. Your body doesn't completely belong to you right now, and that is a feeling that no one should be ok with. Nothing about this situation is right or fair, nor is it ever going to feel that way. You should be mad! Hell take a boxing class or something just so you can beat something up. Just try to keep your head up. It does get better. It's something that you learn to live with, because honestly things will never be the same as they were before."

Well said, Kasey! I thought everyone needed to read that.


Yes, I am anxious for my upcoming appointment at Sloan Kettering, but I am becoming very nervous. I believe I will receive a brutal wake up call. Right now all of this information is experiences of other people; In a few weeks it will another experience of my own. 


I have researched a lot of my options and they all seem to be rough treatments. Most will require me to spend 4-5 days in the hospital, followed by a few days of rest, and we will repeat the cycle for a series of weeks. Looks like I better get comfy on the Shore...and with hospitals.


Being surrounded by family today has been nice. Seeing my beautiful niece put a huge smile on my face...One thing I can say without a anyone being able to argue, my sister and her ex-hubby made one gorgeous little girl. Her intelligence amazes me. Sometimes I am not sure she is only 4 years old!


Seeing Pop for the first time was great too. I know he had been anxious to "get his eyes" on me. He reminds me that no matter how brutal the treatment is, we will do it, and we will get through it. None of us know what the future holds, not just in terms of the melanoma, but it terms of everything. Regardless---we have each other. Not everyone is lucky enough to say that.


I am going to attempt to get some sleep. I only got about 4 hours last night so I am feeling exhausted. I believe I am going to bite the bullet and talk to the doctor on Friday about possibly taking something to help with the anxiety I experience at night. Life is good when life is busy...when it's quiet, that is when my mind likes to bounce from subject to subject.

My Step Dad told me today, my mind is going to be my biggest help. If I can keep a positive attitude and go about this in a positive way, the outcome has to be better. I refuse to accept anything else.


Off I go...hoping for strength and more sleep.