Time To Go

"It was her time to go."

Source

Months ago with much help from the media, society decided to praise, bash, admire, and judge the young terminal brain cancer patient, Brittany Maynard, when she publicly shared her plan to end her life last fall. Many, myself included, praised Brittany for her courage in sharing such a controversial message to the world filled with varying (intense) opinions. Many, myself included, expressed admiration that Brittany could be so brave to end her own life, before cancer ended it for her. There was no getting better for Brittany. On October 9, 2014, Brittany said, "I'm not killing myself. Cancer is killing me. I'm choosing to go in a way that is less suffering and less pain."

I accepted it.

Fast forward to December 20, 2014. My phone rings, on Sunday morning around 8:20 AM, it's my boss. I could hear her crying before I put the phone up to my ear. My loyal co-worker and kind friend made the decision to end her life. I don't know why.

It's been almost 4 weeks and I am still having a hard time accepting it.

With Brittany, a stranger, I could understand why she would make the decision to end her life. She had researched her options, and the fact was, the cancer was going to take her slowly, painfully and surely. There was no one that could save her. Cancer was killing her. Brittany took control away from the cancer and died "with dignity" as she wished.

With Angela, I keep asking why. What did we miss? What made her pull the trigger? Why didn't we see she was in such pain? I know that is not fair of me to think. I know that mental illness and depression is a real thing, a thing like cancer, you sometimes can't see. But why can't I accept her death like I can Brittany's? That is not fair to Angela. It is selfish of me to need a reason why my lovely friend, the girl who was always ready to dance and laugh, ended her life. Quite frankly, why she decided to do it is none of my business. She had battles she kept perfectly hidden and she made a decision that we don't have to understand. Maybe, like Brittany, she decided to go in a way that was less suffering and less pain.

Brittany Maynard's husband said in the interview with TODAY, that Brittany spent her last day doing things she loved. According to my co-workers family, that's how Angela spent her last day. She went shopping with her mom, had dinner with her family, and watched a movie. Then, like Brittany, it was Angela's time to go.

It was her time to go...

And we have to accept it.

*Please, please, please, if you need help, please reach out to someone. 

There IS someone who will miss you tomorrow if you are no longer here.

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

1-800-273-8255

 

Online Friends: They're Real To Me.

I was browsing CNN today during my break at work this afternoon when the headline "When a Facebook Friend Dies" caught my attention. I thought the article was going to discuss proper etiquette for those of us who use social media. Like many of us, I struggle with knowing what to say when there are no words that can truly provide comfort. I had to read the article.

Frida Ghitis writes about online friendships and the assumption that online friends can't possibly be real friends. She says, "I have often used quotation marks in the past when referring to a Facebook "friend" with more than a touch of sarcasm. Are Facebook connections really friends?"

Yep, I've used that sarcasm before. I used to roll my eyes when people talked about meeting friends online. How could you possibly know them? How can you form such an emotional connection with someone you've never met? Then I met my Mole-Mates.

While I will never have the opportunity to meet every single friend I've made in the melanoma community, I cherish their friendship. I enjoy hearing about their celebrations, their joy, their lives. My heart aches for them when life doesn't go as they wanted. They are friends to me in ways that some of the people I see on a daily basis will never be.

Ghitis explains it well, "Online, people express themselves with a special openness. They don't have to wait their turn to speak, and the ones with small voices or introverted personalities can convey big, profound, touching emotions. Online we can develop a kind of intimacy that eluded us in the nonvirtual world. On social media, we can share -- as Jim so often did -- big and small parts of our life, without worrying that others are too busy or simply not interested in hearing it."

These friendships built online saved me from the big scary unknown, Melanoma, and I'm grateful for them every single day.

Read the article.

 http://www.cnn.com/2013/06/03/opinion/ghitis-facebook-friend-dies/index.html?hpt=hp_t4

The Second Thanksgiving

Pinterest

Like many of you, I have a new perspective on Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving isn't held on one day in the crisp month of November. No sir. Thanksgiving is every day of every year. How do you sum up what you're thankful for in just a few words? Although I tried to do so last year, I can't. It's as simple and as complicated as this: I'm thankful to live a happy and healthy life surrounded by incredible people.

This year I feel like I need to take the time to thank each and every one of you for your continued love and support. I started this blog in February 2011 at the suggestion of my mom. Nervously, I posted it to my Facebook, and boy, it took off. You read, you commented, and you shared. Now just a year and 8 months later, this little diary of mine has been viewed 285,035 times. I wanted to share my story my hopes of changing minds about tanning and the need for sun protection. Because of YOU, I am accomplishing my goal. Thank you.

 

This was a gift from my new friend Donna! (Appropriate for today's posting, yes?) Donna had this in her RV on Saturday and my sister and I both commented on it. What arrived at my doorstep yesterday? This. One for me and one for my sister. Did I mention how truly blessed we are to have made such a great new friend?  I am so excited about seeing her again next week!

Alright, friends, get off the computer and go spend time with your loved ones.

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

Suprise!

This past Monday I was shocked once again by my unbelievable support system. I knew that Mr. Spots had something up his sleeve because he was being awfully secretive and would not let me stay in my pajamas that I automatically change into after work. However, I had no idea how many other people were involved in this secret....

Mr. Spots, the kiddo, and I headed out for dinner Monday night. Once we arrived at one of my favorite restaurants, I started glancing around the parking lot to see if any of my friends were in on this dinner plan. Not seeing any familiar cars, I decided that Mr. Spots had not been lying, it was, indeed, just a special dinner for the 3 of us. The hostess even played along, "Party of 3, right this way!"

She led us into the party room where a group of my friends were patiently waiting! Surprise!

It was so nice to spend the evening with people who have supported me throughout this past year. Right before dinner was served, I received another surprise. My friend Rayna announced that there was someone who was very sad that she could not attend my party. Because this friend still wanted to help me celebrate, she had arranged for Rayna to order a bottle of champagne and give me a letter to read when receiving the champagne.

I was so lucky when melanoma introduced me to Anne a year ago.

She is one of a kind.

I received another special gift from another woman who has fought her own battle this year. I met this woman this past April before the benefit that local bands did for me here in Roanoke. She is a woman with a huge heart and a lot of love to give. She recently lost her husband due to a massive heart attack, but despite that, she continues to encourage others, offer love and support, and be the same beautiful woman that she has been since I was introduced to her. She inspires me. Alyse gave me this necklace that she has had for 40 years. It stands for good health. Alyse explained that she wants me to have it, keep it for 40 years, and give it to someone else who needs to be reminded that a healthy future awaits her. 

Phew. She believes I am going to be here for 40 years to give the necklace to someone myself. Let me tell you, I had to struggle to keep the tears in check for that one!

After we celebrated with great food, delicious wine, and bubbly bubbly, it was time to head home. Since we had the kiddo, Mr. Spots headed home early so that he could get kiddo tucked into bed without rushing me away from my friends. (Have I mentioned he spoils me?) I thought the special night was over....

That was not the case, Rayna had one last surprise up her sleeve.......

Rayna had contacted some of my melanoma friends and asked them to write me a letter and then she put all of the letters into a scrapbook. Oh, waterworks...To know that some of my fellow warriors took time out of their very busy schedules to send me a letter of inspiration means so much to me. On the flip side, to have a friend who knows how important my molemates are to me means the world! I am, truly, a very blessed young lady.

I ended the night with one extra glass of wine, my guy next to my side, and reading my special book.

Melanoma, you have changed my life dramatically in this first year, but I have gained lifelong friends because of you. For that, I am, and I will always be, grateful.

One year cancerversary!

Girlfriends.

Today I had the pleasure of meeting two women who contacted me after they found my blog online.We had been chatting online for the past month, but since we only live about 40 minutes from each other, we met in Berlin, MD today for lunch. If you ever find yourself in Ocean City, MD, swing through Berlin. The town is adorable. (Runaway Bride was filmed there.)

This is the only picture I took...

Sitting on the porch,

waiting for the girls.

I have mentioned many of times how much the people I have met because of melanoma have come to mean to me, and it's true. I think after college it becomes hard to make new friendships. Between work, relationships, etc, it becomes difficult to find new girlfriends. I know people talk trash about girls--how they can't be trusted, they are just gossips, etc, etc, etc-- but I adore my ladies & I always welcome the idea of making new girlfriends. There is something special about friendships between women. Although I had to meet these new friends because of melanoma, at least our paths crossed.

There was mention of a sun safety clothing line & sun safety workshops...Be on the look out for us. ;-)

Speaking of awesome girlfriends I figured I'd post a picture of my oldest & dearest friend from a wedding we attended this weekend:

Life would be a lonely place without awesome friends.

Advice From Someone Who Knows

When my Mom suggested I use the internet to meet fellow melanoma warriors, I had no idea how important of a role they would play in my oh-so-dramatic new life. We are each others cheerleaders, advice givers, and sometimes we are each others kick-in-the-ass. It is true that people who have not experienced cancer first hand have a difficult time understanding exactly what a cancer diagnosis means. Prior to the diagnosis, you worry about how you are going to buy a house, raise your babies, save for retirement. Once you hear the word "cancer" associated with your name, gone are the fears of how you are going to do it. Instead, you are desperate to be able to try to do it! No, I do not know everything about these friends. I don't know their high school sweetheart or their daily habits, but I know some of their deepest fears, darkest memories, and their latest scan results. Instead of cocktails, we bond over cancer.

We pray for each other. We advise each other. We have been known to shed tears of joy over the slightest bit of happy news. Oh, and when the bad times roll around? We "get" it. Sometimes I feel like it is harder for me to hear bad news about one of my melanoma buddies than it is to hear my own bad news. Maybe I get too wrapped up into their situations, I am not sure, but in the back of my head, there is always the thought, "Am I picturing what my life will be like down the road?"  Despite my own personal fears, I continue to pull for them. When I say that I would have lost my sanity by now without these people, it could not be more true. 


...which is why when my melanoma buddies give me great advice, I feel like I need to share it with everyone else who may be going through a similar situation. Following my last blog post, and I'm sure he has seen me mention it before, my friend (and fellow blogger: http://hotelmelanoma.blogspot.com) Rich sent me this message regarding my "woe is me" attitude:


"One of the unreasonable expectations put on cancer patients (expectations of people who DON'T have cancer and are clueless) is that we're supposed to be relentlessly positive and upbeat. Even when we feel lousy from treatment effects and we have upcoming scary medical events on our calendar. You're on an emotional and physical roller coaster ride with inevitable low points, and you needn't apologize to people in your life who can't deal with the dips. We all have our "woe is me" moments (yikes, we're human), and it seems to me that you do a very good job of pulling yourself out of the low points. Cut yourself some slack and forgive yourself for your bad days."

*Thank you, Rich.

Coming from someone who has some experience, being positive non-stop is exhausting. It is draining. It is FAKE. I have bad days. I have days where the slightest comment or the tannest (Is that a word?) person will infuriate me. I have days when I look at my friends and their newborn babies and pray I have the opportunity to have my own babies & raise them to have their own babies. (Yes, I plan to stick around for a while.) Then there are days when I could not be happier for the life that I have been given. Sure, I have a heck of a lot going on right now, hello cancer! hello break-up!, but I feel an odd sense of peace. I am realizing what I want out of this life that I have been given. For that, I am thankful.

Thanks to my confidence, and some back-up support from my melanoma buddy Rich, I will roll my eyes at the person who was fed up with my "woe is me" attitude. As Rich said, I needn't apologize to the people in my life who can't deal with the dips. The dips are all parts of this crazy thing we call life.

To Anne, Erin, Evy, Christina (x2!), Brandi, Becca, Rich, John, Paul, Kathy, Kate, Tim, and my other "unknown cheerleaders"

You are more than "melanoma buddies."

You are my friends.

You let me complain & vent,

and you sure as hell make me laugh,

and you're never afraid to give me a brutally honest answer.

You keep me sane.

And I, 

truly, 

would be a depressed,

paranoid, (more so!)

lonely lady

without each and every one of you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

You've Got A Friend In Me.

"There are people in my life who give me comfort. When the going gets tough, as it invariably does, I can count on them for a shoulder to cry on - they will lift me up when I fall, they will hold me in their arms as I cry and tell me, 'Everything’s going to be okay.' I am so thankful for those people.

They are priceless."

Someone made a rude comment to me today...They said that I need to feel supported in every little thing...that I am, I don't remember if the person used these words directly or not, an attention whore.

It got me thinking...Do I really beg for that much attention?

I put my information out there. I share my experiences with other people. I post updates on facebook that let people into the little life that is mine.

But, you have to make an active choice to read the ins and outs of my mind. No one forces you to click the appropriate link to my blog. No one holds a gun to your head to comment on my status updates. If I annoy you, delete me. It is that easy.

Then I started thinking, do I need the support from everyone?

The honest to God truth is that I do not know how I would have gotten through the last 4 months of my life had it not been for my support system.

If you know me in "real life" I can get shy...I will take a very serious matter, smile at you, and tell you I am just fine...even if I am pinching myself under the table not to cry. It is easier for me to gloss over the scary stuff by avoiding it. It is how I hold it together. Through the internet and this blog, I have been able to share my deepest secrets, say whatever I need to say, without truly caring what other people think. Can you imagine me looking at you and admitting, "I am scared I will not live to see 30. I am jealous of mothers. I hate orange people." People would call me crazy!

The way that I see it, I could write this and not a single person could read it, but I would still feel better. I am a writer. I write. Half of the time, something I write about on the blog is the very thing that will make me cringe if you try to make me talk about it in person. Certain things hit too close to home. I publish this blog because I have no way of knowing who reads it. I do not need to know. I do not want to know. I get my own version of therapy by writing. People have to choose to read it. I get nothing out of you reading it. It is the emails from strangers telling me how I inspired them to show their scars that help me. It is the messages of encouragement that make me smile. It is hearing the stories of your dermatologist appointments and your avoidance of tanning beds that makes me certain I am doing a good thing by sharing my story. It is knowing that I have friends behind me patiently waiting to give me a boost when I sink too low.  

If that makes me an attention whore...so be it.

I have a support team like none other & I will be eternally grateful.

I, dear friends, would truly be lost without you.

Beautiful Friends, Beautiful Day.

As I expected, the beach totally relaxed me.

We walked.

We talked.

We simply looked out to the ocean

that is bigger than anything

we can ever imagine.

The smell of salty air is magical.



What a beautiful day.