Stronger

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I'm mad.
I'm sad.
I'm quite freaking pissed off,
and yet, I'm inspired...
It's all because of this one thing:

Melanoma.

Lynette & Jillian are struggling right now. Struggling is an understatement. Although they have different stories, and they are different ages, they have two things in common: They both have melanoma to the brain, and they are fighters. I've never had the privilege of meeting Jillian in person, but her mom's posts make me feel like I know what type of person she is. She's like my friend Lynette. These two people women would not want us to sit on the couch and cry over their struggles--and while I can't help but do a tiny bit of that today--I'm going to try to find a smile.

Melanoma may take its toll on our bodies, but it can do nothing to our spirits.

 *One of my friends shared this video on Facebook earlier this week & it seemed appropriate to share with you all now.

Let these fighters inspire you like they have me. Live your life, hug your loved ones, don't let cancer hold you back from enjoying the daily gifts we're given. I know it's hard. But you know what? We're beyond lucky to have the opportunity to keep living. Don't take it for granted. Live.  

Unfriend

"Calling somebody else fat won't make you any skinnier. 

Calling someone stupid doesn't make you any smarter."

-Mean Girls

I have a love/hate relationship with my high school memories. Sure, I loved when I had lunch period with my two best friends and we got to catch up on gossip. I loved getting dressed up for prom and having my best guy friend pick me up on my doorstep. However,  I could have done without the cheerleader putting gum in my hair all because her ex-boyfriend asked me to prom... And I'm pretty positive I wouldn't have minded my picture remaining on the wall since I worked hard for that award. High school was brutal which is saying a lot because I wasn't unpopular. Kids are mean. Even I had my moments I am most definitely not proud of.

"There are a million things you have to do to get through each day. High school has things that can trip you up, ruin you, people say one thing and mean another, and you have to know all the rules, you have to know what you can and can't do.” 

- Elizabeth Scott, The Unwritten Rule

I'm here to warn ya, the cancer network isn't all that different than high school. There are high emotions, overly sensitive souls, rules you must silently follow, and sometimes there are games you have to play. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, it's just a part of it. The majority of the people I have encountered have been wonderful, truly inspiring people. These honest people who make up the majority of the group are the ones who need you as much as you need them, who sincerely cheer you on from their computer monitors, who talk and listen. 

When discussing the amazing people we meet in the cancer network, Hillary Fogelson explains it best in Pale Girl Speaks, "It may seem morbid that I like going and hearing patients' stories. But as horribly shocking and painfully sad as most of the stories are, I still enjoy hearing people talk about their illness: their cancer, their side effects, their recovery, and sometimes even their death. I'm meeting people in the most vulnerable time of their lives. Many of them are confronting their own mortality--a few are still trying to accept their illness, some are struggling to make peace with it, others are looking to make peace with themselves, but all of them are willing to share. Share all of it with me. And it's truly amazing. It's inspiring. These people! I can't believe these goddamned sick people! I am constantly amazed by their strength. They are so strong, so powerful. They've dealt with more pain and hurt and fear than they probably ever imagined they would" (285-286).

Then there's the other side. You meet the people you are unsure of, the people who make you feel like the treatment you are doing isn't just right, the folks who don't bring you down with their cancer, but instead, with their attitude.

http://pinterest.com/pin/143411569354378002/ 

And that, my friends, is the topic of tonight's post: Attitudes.

I feel like I have been very open with the world about my experience with melanoma. In return, I have been adored and criticized. When I am happy and enjoying my life outside of melanoma, I share it. When I am feeling bitchy and just freaking ticked off at the things that are happening, I blog about it. When a stranger questions my scars I confide in all of you about the tears that were shed secretly in my car. When a fellow melanoma warrior tells me I don't have brain cells because I used the tanning bed, I take to this very public blog and write about it with hopes that you all have advice on how to handle the situation. I tell you things about my personal relationship during its darkest hour simply because I don't want to sugarcoat things. Shit is hard sometimes and I made a promise in the very beginning to be as honest as I possibly could be. Sometimes you like what I have to say, sometimes you don't. It's something I knew would happen when this blog started becoming a bit more popular.

Blogging about my life and my cancer isn't the only thing I try to do. I make a huge effort to support fellow cancer patients. I may not respond to every status update, it may take me a few days to get back to your email, but when you all take the time to email me with your deepest fears and concerns, I try my hardest to address every single one of you. I try to be available, honest, and respectful of you as I wish for you to be of me.

With that being said, I will not support negativity. Ever.

In the last 2 months I have witnessed an increase of bullying within our loving melanoma community. A group where I used to frequent often to check on my "Mole Mates" and to ask my own questions is now a place I am no longer a part of. I have deleted fellow melanoma warriors from my personal Facebook page due to negativity and unfriendliness.  I hate that I feel like I need to remind people of this, but cancer doesn't give you an excuse to act like an asshole.

Because of the decisions I made to unfriend certain folks, and because of my opinion of Bruce Jenner, I have been accused of being "two-faced" and not supportive of fellow melanoma warriors. This opinion has lead people to send letters to a certain Foundation I hold dear to my heart. Apparently they do not believe I am a good role model because of my two-faces and the lack of support I give to fellow warriors.

I made a personal decision to remove myself from negativity. It was a decision I made on my own. While I hate that these people have to battle melanoma, I will not excuse them from their poor behavior nor will I tolerate it. Because of this decision, 3 women have decided to verbally attack me via letters to THE Foundation that means a lot to me.

I am not OK with this.

These women want me to be more real than I have been? Here it is:

Cyber bullying is not OK and I refuse to tolerate it. If that means I'm an unsupportive 2-faced diva, so be it. My decision remains the same. I'm keeping the negativity out.

It's My Cancer...

 ...And I will bitch about it if I want to.

Recently a person that I have to (unfortunately) remain pleasant to indirectly insulted me on her Facebook page. After having posted my blog discussing my cancerversary party, she posted a status update that basically said that I, without mentioning me by name, should stop talking about my experience, that she knows it has been a tough year but we all have them, it is over, so stop talking about myself, and simply be thankful to be alive. Obviously I am not an idiot and realized it was her (drunken) jab at me. (She actually posted that she wanted to make me cry. Mature.) I debated long and hard if I should sink to her level and respond to it or simply let it go. It was Friday the 13th and I was in no mood to take bullshit. So, I responded....

And then she deleted me.

Ha.

It got me thinking though.

Melanoma is an odd disease. It does not go away. Ever. Sure, you can--and want to--show No Evidence of Disease--but that does not mean that you no longer have melanoma. It simply means that you are in the maintenance phase of blood work, scans, and hopefully, as my oncologist kindly refers to them, "healthy baby check-up appointments"  It does not mean that your run in with cancer is over.

Although what Mrs. Home Girl referred to as my tough year is over, I continue to fight to stay ahead of this disease. I can't skip a 3 month scan because I am busy at work. I can't claim remission and go back to living the life I used to live. It just does not work that way. Someone else may see my fight with cancer as being over because I am not having surgeries every other month or heading to the oncologist numerous times a week, but that is where they are wrong. For 3 months at a time, I can start to feel a little secure that I am healthy. 3 months until the anxiety returns.

Ironically, I have received a few emails recently from fellow melanoma warriors who state that they also "had" melanoma. This makes me nervous. Does their use of the past tense mean they believe they are in the clear? Do they follow up with their oncologists? Do they monitor their blood work? Or will they be the folks who find out about their reoccurance too late?

I decided it was time to ask my fellow warriors how they describe their melanoma. Do they say that they have Stage ___ Melanoma or do they say that they had Stage __Melanoma.


My most favorite responses thus far were these:

"I say have. I may have clear scans for the moment but since you are never in remission with melanoma... it's current to me."

"Interesting topic...I usually say. "I was diagnosed at stage IIIB in 2008." This is certainly a sneaky beast. Maybe using the past tense gives people the sense of stability in an uncertain situation."

"Chelsea- as you know I have been on chemo for the last 2 years and been NED for most of those 2 years. I get asked ALL.THE.TIME if I am in remission. My answer is always no. With Melanoma I will probably never be "in remission" I will always be on some sort of chemo and I will forever battle Melanoma. That's just the new normal for me. I'm ok with it. Kind of..."

I know that people not directly affected by my experience probably do get annoyed with my constant postings about articles or videos regarding melanoma especially since they believe I am going to be just fine and that it is time to move on. This is why Facebook has a defriend option thought, right? At the same time, I know that I have many friends who appreciate my posts. Besides, this is my cancer. Until you walk in my shoes, you can't tell me how to act.

Bottom line, let us all remain vigilant and continue to educate until there is no more educating to be done. Let us live our lives in the way that we know best.


           (Oh, and let us have the ability to kick the people who bring us down out of our lives.)

"But understand this: my commitment to living in the now means I'll never ever say that I've beaten cancer. To do so would be living in the "tomorrow," if you will, and melanoma is far too erratic an opponent to go around making predictions. But I can tell you for sure that I'll never give in to it. Life is too precious to give it up without giving everything you've got -- now."

Dr. Jack Ramsay.

Suprise!

This past Monday I was shocked once again by my unbelievable support system. I knew that Mr. Spots had something up his sleeve because he was being awfully secretive and would not let me stay in my pajamas that I automatically change into after work. However, I had no idea how many other people were involved in this secret....

Mr. Spots, the kiddo, and I headed out for dinner Monday night. Once we arrived at one of my favorite restaurants, I started glancing around the parking lot to see if any of my friends were in on this dinner plan. Not seeing any familiar cars, I decided that Mr. Spots had not been lying, it was, indeed, just a special dinner for the 3 of us. The hostess even played along, "Party of 3, right this way!"

She led us into the party room where a group of my friends were patiently waiting! Surprise!

It was so nice to spend the evening with people who have supported me throughout this past year. Right before dinner was served, I received another surprise. My friend Rayna announced that there was someone who was very sad that she could not attend my party. Because this friend still wanted to help me celebrate, she had arranged for Rayna to order a bottle of champagne and give me a letter to read when receiving the champagne.

I was so lucky when melanoma introduced me to Anne a year ago.

She is one of a kind.

I received another special gift from another woman who has fought her own battle this year. I met this woman this past April before the benefit that local bands did for me here in Roanoke. She is a woman with a huge heart and a lot of love to give. She recently lost her husband due to a massive heart attack, but despite that, she continues to encourage others, offer love and support, and be the same beautiful woman that she has been since I was introduced to her. She inspires me. Alyse gave me this necklace that she has had for 40 years. It stands for good health. Alyse explained that she wants me to have it, keep it for 40 years, and give it to someone else who needs to be reminded that a healthy future awaits her. 

Phew. She believes I am going to be here for 40 years to give the necklace to someone myself. Let me tell you, I had to struggle to keep the tears in check for that one!

After we celebrated with great food, delicious wine, and bubbly bubbly, it was time to head home. Since we had the kiddo, Mr. Spots headed home early so that he could get kiddo tucked into bed without rushing me away from my friends. (Have I mentioned he spoils me?) I thought the special night was over....

That was not the case, Rayna had one last surprise up her sleeve.......

Rayna had contacted some of my melanoma friends and asked them to write me a letter and then she put all of the letters into a scrapbook. Oh, waterworks...To know that some of my fellow warriors took time out of their very busy schedules to send me a letter of inspiration means so much to me. On the flip side, to have a friend who knows how important my molemates are to me means the world! I am, truly, a very blessed young lady.

I ended the night with one extra glass of wine, my guy next to my side, and reading my special book.

Melanoma, you have changed my life dramatically in this first year, but I have gained lifelong friends because of you. For that, I am, and I will always be, grateful.

One year cancerversary!

Another Melanoma Angel.

Rest in Peace, Randi.

This morning as I was being lazy in bed, chit chatting with Mr. Spots about our NYE plans, and browsing Facebook, I saw my friend Al had posted that yet another one of our melanoma friends had recently passed away. When I saw it was Randi, the tears immediately began to flow. How could it be Randi? I just talked to her a few weeks ago. She sounded good, strong, sending me more advice about how to deal with this disease and what questions to ask my doctor....

Randi was a beautiful wife, a loving mother, and a dedicated fighter. I only knew her from the blogging and Facebook world but boy, she loved the men in her life. She fought because of them. She would tell you so.

Randi's story is a bit different than others that I have shared with you. Randi was diagnosed with stage III melanoma in 2005. She had all of her lymph nodes removed in one particular area, and then went on to living five years with No Evidence of Disease. Unfortunately, melanoma showed his ugly face in April 2011 by reappearing in her brain and then spreading to other parts of her body. 

Yes, you read that correctly. For five years, Randi was healthy. She passed away on December 29, 2011. 

When people question why I must go for scans every 3 months and why I am participating in a clinical trial even though I am "fine" now, this is why. There is no cure for melanoma. For many, I don't want to say most because that is far too negative and depressing, melanoma hides for a period of time and then reappears when you least expect it. It does not simply go away. I live in 3 month spans. If my scans are clear this next time, I will go another 3 months. If not, we will fight.

As you head out to celebrate the end of 2011 (good riddance) and the beginning of 2012, consider adding "Protect My Skin" to your resolution list. You may think you look prettier with a tan, but I am sure you would agree that you look prettier alive than dead. You may think that mole is nothing to worry about but it may be the same type of mole that began my stay in Hotel Melanoma. Consider it.

And please, as you celebrate, send a prayer to Randi's family. They have lost a beautiful wife, a loving mother, and their toughest fighter...

Rest now, Mrs. Randi. We will never be able to dance on the tables in Vegas now, sweet friend, but I promise to continue to educate, educate, educate. I know that is what you would want.

"May I Pray For You?"

I never talk about my cancer at work. Sometimes patients will say little comments that make me wish I knew them on a personal level so that I could share with them why I am "so" pale, but I know it would be unprofessional. Today, however, something happened that made it impossible for me to keep quiet. Today I heard the words, "I have been battling Stage III Melanoma for the past five years."

I couldn't hold back.

I grabbed his arm, and said, "Oh! I have Stage III melanoma too!"

(What can I say? I meet very few people who truly understand this cancer so I got a little excited.)

There we were, a 24 year old girl & a 60 year old veteran, bonding over cancer in the middle of a busy waiting room. We swapped war stories, he told me how he is glad I did not stay with a local oncologist as he is a patient at Duke, and then he looks up quickly at me and says, "Can I pray for you?"

I assumed that this sweet veteran who has his own battle to fight was going to pray for me on his own time. Oh no, this was not his plan. He wrapped my hands with his own, bowed his head, and began to say a beautiful prayer requesting God's healing and love. When he looked back at me again, we both had tears in our eyes. He kissed my hands, looked directly in my eyes, and said, "Take it from me, I am blessed to be here. Please never give up."

I will never give up.

Be As You Are

Pinterest

I started this blog with the promise to be exactly who I am. I don't hide how I am feeling. If a tan chick pisses me off at Barnes and Noble, I write about it. When I am struggling with how people treat me since the cancer diagnosis, I vent. And when I am scared beyond measures, you pick up on it. I keep very few secrets when it comes to my cancer. Because of my lack of concealing my feelings, I never know how people will respond to my posts.

I was not sure how people would feel about my last post. I spent a lot of time on it and I put my true feelings and fears out in the open. Imagine my relief and surprise when I heard from so many people who could relate exactly to how I was feeling. I even heard from quite a few blog readers that I did not know existed! Because of that post, I gained another reason to be thankful....new molemates!

I started reviewing my blog tonight. I wanted to see who was referring others to my site, etc. I was stunned to see that my blog--since February--has had 95,548 hits! Wow.

When I initially started posting I did it as a type of therapy. I had a hard time talking seriously about the melanoma, I would downplay my fears, make a joke to take away the seriousness of the diagnosis, or quickly change the subject. I felt like if I was strong, it would make things easier for everyone else. As most of you know, you can only be strong for so long until you crack. Writing kept me sane. It allowed me to absorb everything that was happening to me. When you are initially diagnosed with cancer, things happen quickly. You go from being perfectly healthy to ridiculously sick. Your day to day life turns completely upside down and your new schedule revolves around doctors and medical words that require Google to understand. I also did it as a way to stay sane. My family is the best, as I have mentioned a time or two, but they like to know every little detail. It was nearly impossible to explain every appointment to every person who called me. It was easier to just post a link to my blog on Facebook and have them read it there.

Instead of just my family reading it, many more people read my words. It is flattering and humbling to know that my experience helps someone else. When I was first looking through blogs, I had very few options. I wanted to read someone's raw emotions. I wanted to know that the anger that I was feeling was normal. I wanted the truth. That is why I have promised to always be honest with you all.

The comments I receive, the emails that share your personal stories, the fact that you share my words with someone else means that I am doing exactly what I aimed to do, I am writing the truth.

Cancer is not pretty. It isn't pink ribbons and butterflies. We have good days, and we have bad, bad days. We have ugly scars, massive amounts of determination, and secret fears that will make you cringe. We take the good with the bad. And if anyone doesn't like what they read on this blog, well, tough stuff. Like the picture says, "There is nothing more badass than being who you are." I just happen to be one brutally honest melanoma diva.

Please continue letting me hear your stories. Even if I cannot respond directly to your comments, I read what you write, and I am inspired by you.

Picture

A Warrior Angel

I am riding home with my mom from round 4 in the chemo suite. Posting on my iPad is a little difficult, but I needed to request thoughts and prayers for a family.

It is with a heavy, heavy heart that I tell you Tina, author of www.paleskinisin.com
 has lost her fight against melanoma today.

(I took this picture from Al, author of

Black is the New Pink)

Tina is the definition of a melanoma warrior. She was strong, determined, brave, and kind. Despite the hardships she faced personally, she made time to encourage other warriors to continue their fight with courage AND a smile. She made sure to leave me kind and detailed messages offering her support and advice. My battle was nothing compared to Tina's, but that did not stop her from being a cheerleader.

Tina leaves behind a supportive family, a loving husband, and a precious child. She was only in her 30's...

As I ask you to pray for the strength of Tina's family, I also beg you to spread melanoma awareness. This beautiful and kind woman lost her battle to the "black beast," but it gives us yet another reason to add extra sunscreen to our bodies, it gives you another need to beg your friend to cancel her tanning membership, and it gives you the chance to realize we only have one life to live.

Dear, strong, and beautiful Tina, it is now your time to rest.

7 Year Old Stage III Warrior

When I first got diagnosed with Stage III melanoma in January I felt cheated & angry. I felt like my biggest worry should have been the numbers on the scale, finding the perfect job, and simply enjoying my 20's. I have always heard that your 20's are supposed to be the "best years of your life." Instead, my life crashed. Then yesterday I heard a story that made me feel so sad & selfish.

Meet little Serena. She is a 7 year old stage III melanoma. So far in her 7 years she has been through 8 surgeries and months of interferon. Those who are familiar with the melanoma world know how rough interferon is even on the strongest of adults. Imagine a precious 7 year old going to the chemo suite 5 days a week for a month, undergoing 8 surgeries, all while her friends are out on the playground.

But, You know what I believe? Kids are tough. Kids have unusual strength & ability to get through things that crush the strongest adults. Still, little Serena needs all the support she can receive.

I am asking you to visit Serena's page to show your support: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Serenas-Fight/178408288887479 or her other website: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/godsangel2010

This family, and especially this beautiful little Serena, need your prayers, your positive juju, and your encouragement. Serena's mother needs your advice, your support, she needs her own set of cheerleaders. She needs to hear that they can get through this latest battle.

Melanoma...it does not just attack adults. It can take away your babies. Protect them.

Pain, Pain, Go Away...

I figured I should post a quick update on my health instead of just bitching about the tanning bed lovers! ;-)

Overall, I am doing good! I am still having some tummy issues...a little cramping...and some headaches. I have managed to get through the last week without a single nap! Of course by the end of the day, I am exhausted, but I do manage to sleep through the night. (I mean, besides my 100 pee breaks...smallest bladder ever!)

My main complaint is about my left shoulder/side of my neck. The pain is steadily becoming worse. It is still swollen. It hurts to wear my seat belt, forget wearing a bra strap, and God help you if you touch me. Even in the shower, the water hitting the front of my collarbone is extremely uncomfortable! You know when something is not right? I know something is not right!

I am praying, hoping, and wishing it is simply a part of the healing process! I have had some major trauma to my body. But, I also feel uncertain because I have not had surgery on that side of my neck since January...Why is it bothering me so much now? Is it because of the "suspicious" area that they are doing the biopsy on Thursday? I am anxious to see The Wizard because the pain is becoming more extreme. I just hope my Wizard can solve my problems like Dorothy's Wizard solved hers...even if that does mean I have to have a huge needle stuck in the side of my neck on Thursday!

Thankfully, my Wizard is much more attractive than Ms. Dorothy's! What fun would it be if he wasn't adorable along with being very intelligent? I have to have something to make this experience more pleasant...

**Just a few minutes after posting this blog, one of my loyal blog readers Kate left me a comment that said: "It's funny that you mentioned your Wizard and the power he has to solve your problems and I have no doubt he possesses these powers, but keep in mind The Wizard of Oz is about self-sufficiency. The Scarecrow, Tin Woodman, and Lion all seek external magic to give them things they already possess but fail to recognize. Maybe it is the same with you. No doubt you need the Wizard's medical magic, but perhaps you have something inside that will ultimately heal you and bring you to the other side of this!! Just a thought. Think of yourself as powerful." Boy, she made me feel GOOD! She is so right! We need to have total faith in our medical staff that they will make the best decisions that will grant us long, healthy lives. But we also need to have total belief that we have some control over this disease as well. As we see repeatedly, attitude plays a huge part in conquering good health. I am going to put all of my energy into believing that no matter what the biopsy shows, I will tackle it. I will win. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU, Kate!

Off to the big City tomorrow! Special thanks to Miss Melanoma & the City, I am staying at her apartment tomorrow because the hotel rooms were absolutely ridiculous for tomorrow night. I am looking forward to seeing her & catching up! She has a big day tomorrow--scan day--so please say a little prayer for her. We are hoping for good news! God knows we need some this week...

BTW--melanoma has been mentioned every time I have watched the news over the last few days! PROGRESS! Check out a few great articles here: 

Glaxo's Melanoma Cocktail...

Matching Cancer Drugs to Gene Mutations...

A Baby's Skin Is No Match For The Sun

Melanoma Drug Helps Patients Live Longer

Prayer Request

Sometimes our friends need our help. This is one of those times.

If you have been in "Hotel Melanoma" (As my buddy Rich calls it!) for a while, you are probably familiar with Tina who writes PALE SKIN IS IN Her blog is actually the first one I came across when I began my journey. She has had quite the battle, but Tina has always kept her positive attitude...even on her hardest days.

Now she needs our help. Her Mom posted last night that she was being moved to ICU. Her heart was only functioning at 15%. Please pray for her strength and healing. Please pray for her family. Please send Tina and her family your thoughts, good juju, and prayers.

They are desperately needed.

Advice From Someone Who Knows

When my Mom suggested I use the internet to meet fellow melanoma warriors, I had no idea how important of a role they would play in my oh-so-dramatic new life. We are each others cheerleaders, advice givers, and sometimes we are each others kick-in-the-ass. It is true that people who have not experienced cancer first hand have a difficult time understanding exactly what a cancer diagnosis means. Prior to the diagnosis, you worry about how you are going to buy a house, raise your babies, save for retirement. Once you hear the word "cancer" associated with your name, gone are the fears of how you are going to do it. Instead, you are desperate to be able to try to do it! No, I do not know everything about these friends. I don't know their high school sweetheart or their daily habits, but I know some of their deepest fears, darkest memories, and their latest scan results. Instead of cocktails, we bond over cancer.

We pray for each other. We advise each other. We have been known to shed tears of joy over the slightest bit of happy news. Oh, and when the bad times roll around? We "get" it. Sometimes I feel like it is harder for me to hear bad news about one of my melanoma buddies than it is to hear my own bad news. Maybe I get too wrapped up into their situations, I am not sure, but in the back of my head, there is always the thought, "Am I picturing what my life will be like down the road?"  Despite my own personal fears, I continue to pull for them. When I say that I would have lost my sanity by now without these people, it could not be more true. 


...which is why when my melanoma buddies give me great advice, I feel like I need to share it with everyone else who may be going through a similar situation. Following my last blog post, and I'm sure he has seen me mention it before, my friend (and fellow blogger: http://hotelmelanoma.blogspot.com) Rich sent me this message regarding my "woe is me" attitude:


"One of the unreasonable expectations put on cancer patients (expectations of people who DON'T have cancer and are clueless) is that we're supposed to be relentlessly positive and upbeat. Even when we feel lousy from treatment effects and we have upcoming scary medical events on our calendar. You're on an emotional and physical roller coaster ride with inevitable low points, and you needn't apologize to people in your life who can't deal with the dips. We all have our "woe is me" moments (yikes, we're human), and it seems to me that you do a very good job of pulling yourself out of the low points. Cut yourself some slack and forgive yourself for your bad days."

*Thank you, Rich.

Coming from someone who has some experience, being positive non-stop is exhausting. It is draining. It is FAKE. I have bad days. I have days where the slightest comment or the tannest (Is that a word?) person will infuriate me. I have days when I look at my friends and their newborn babies and pray I have the opportunity to have my own babies & raise them to have their own babies. (Yes, I plan to stick around for a while.) Then there are days when I could not be happier for the life that I have been given. Sure, I have a heck of a lot going on right now, hello cancer! hello break-up!, but I feel an odd sense of peace. I am realizing what I want out of this life that I have been given. For that, I am thankful.

Thanks to my confidence, and some back-up support from my melanoma buddy Rich, I will roll my eyes at the person who was fed up with my "woe is me" attitude. As Rich said, I needn't apologize to the people in my life who can't deal with the dips. The dips are all parts of this crazy thing we call life.

To Anne, Erin, Evy, Christina (x2!), Brandi, Becca, Rich, John, Paul, Kathy, Kate, Tim, and my other "unknown cheerleaders"

You are more than "melanoma buddies."

You are my friends.

You let me complain & vent,

and you sure as hell make me laugh,

and you're never afraid to give me a brutally honest answer.

You keep me sane.

And I, 

truly, 

would be a depressed,

paranoid, (more so!)

lonely lady

without each and every one of you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.