Things I'm Afraid to Tell You

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I was reading one of my new favorite blogs tonight, Whispering Sweet Nothings, when I was inspired to write a similar blog post. Shane talks about how as bloggers we tend to only show the world the best of ourselves. We sugarcoat shit. Sometimes we say what we think you want to read. Sometimes we act like things are more perfect than what they really are. Sometimes we act like we aren't afraid. Sometimes we preach. Shane was brave enough to share some of her most personal feelings, so I thought I would share a few secrets of my own that I may hold back. (Some because I don't want a full inbox of hate mail! :0)

 I still miss the worry-free feeling of sunshine on my skin  I grew up at the beach. Many of my childhood memories involve a beach. Almost every major vacation involved a beach. The first summer being back home after being diagnosed with melanoma, I didn't know what to do with my free-time without spending my days at the beach or in my parents pool. I still miss getting up fairly early, grabbing a book, a bottle of water, and maybe some SPF for my face and shoulders, and not worrying about anything else until it was time to head inside many hours later. There were no big hats, umbrellas, select hours I should be in direct sunlight, or the absolute fear of a sunburn. 

I really do think your fake-and-bake tan looks horrible and cheap. I'm not just saying that because I have melanoma and can't get a tan. I truly, honestly, most definitely think that your skin should not be that shade of leather.

I had to remove myself from 2 different melanoma groups. I try to be supportive of everyone. I have a true desire to be a supporter of others and meet as many folks as I can within the melanoma community. However, I came to the conclusion that I could not completely obsess over this cancer. I couldn't have my Facebook newsfeed be nothing but articles about melanoma, latest updates about melanoma, and melanoma patients fighting with each other about something the other one said. I needed a break so I removed myself from two of the groups I belonged to. 

I do not regret removing myself from melanoma groups. I love my Molemates. I cheer with them when they get great news, I cry when they receive the news none of us want to hear. Having said that, I also have to look out for my emotional well being. Removing myself, deleting certain Facebook friends from my personal Facebook page, etc,  was what I needed to do for myself. Despite the hate mail I received it wasn't an attack against anyone else. It doesn't make me any less of a melanoma supporter. It doesn't make me a bitch. It makes me a girl who knew I was letting the internet have too much control over my emotional health. If you still think that makes me a non-supportive bitch, oh well.

I sometimes don't wear sunscreen. Before you freak out, read what I have to say. My face products have sunscreen in them. My hand lotion has sunscreen in it. I work in a basement of a hospital that has absolutely no windows. I walk outside for just moments to get to and from my car. I'm usually in long pants/skirts and a long sleeve sweater/cardigan. (It's negative 20 degrees in there, always.) My skin is always covered. If I spend any additional time outside, or know that I am going to spend additional time outside, I always wear sunscreen. I have multiple bottles in my purse. Don't shoot me. 

I become such a brat before oncology appointments. I'm not lying when I tell you that you're better off just not to talk to me the day I get scans. Just wait until I receive the results. Scanxiety makes me such a little brat. You've been warned. (And I apologize now.)

I am curious about getting a spray tan. A local spray tan salon here in Roanoke recently sprayed the Miss Virginia candidates. I saw her post on Facebook and mentioned that it would be great to interview the owner for my blog. I'm curious how she got into the spray tanning business and if there was a reason behind it. Since then I've been wondering if documenting a spray tan would be good material for my blog; however, I think it totally goes against the message I'm trying to send: Embrace your natural skin tone and look pretty doing it! (My decision about the spray tan still hasn't been made. It would be a one-time thing.)

I hate being in the room with a lot of people when I get scan results.  Receiving bad news is terrifying. Having to look over and see how your family is reacting to bad news is heartbreaking. I never want my family to experience that again.

I get a little peeved when people say I have skin cancer. I have melanoma. It's aggressive, deadly, and a sneaky little bitch.

I never respond to blog comments. But it's not because I don't read them or don't want to respond! It's because I don't have the slightest clue how to do so! I try, but I always fail! *I am going to work on this and figure out how to respond so please make sure you sign in with your Google account or leave an email address where I can get back in touch with you!!!!*

When are we going to start trying for babies?  Please, why do people still think it's OK to ask that? (This is now my promise never to ask anyone else that question ever again.) I've always wanted to be a mom. I think I grew up knowing that was the one role I most definitely wanted in life. When the doctor says it's OK, if the doctors says it's OK, I pray there will be babies. And trust me, I'll annoy you so much with pictures and posts, you will wish you had never wondered when we'd have kids.

I don't care that you got a sunburn. Don't worry about what I'll think.  Worry about reapplying your sunscreen next time.

I love my 'real life' more than I love my melanoma blog.  I know that I'm pretty much the crappiest blogger lately. I post once or twice a month. I don't update you on the latest drugs, the most recent articles, I don't share like I used to. But here's the thing: I work full-time for a hospital in a job that leaves me tired and sometimes grumpy. I'm a newlywed wife who actually likes her husband, I'm a step mom to a kid we see for 7 days and miss for 7 days, I babysit 5-6 nights a week during the weeks we don't have my step son, I enjoy cuddling with my dog and reading some silly romance novel. I am enjoying my life. I have melanoma. I'm thankful every single day that Melanoma is not my life.

My melanoma blog I'm denying saved me during my darkest days. I didn't want to talk about the seriousness of what I was going through. I didn't know how to tell people without downplaying it or making a joke. I was completely shutting down. I am so thankful my mom recognized this and advised me to write. She saved me from a severe depression and many hours in therapy.

I'm already fearing the comments I'm going to get about sunscreen. If a body part is exposed for more than 10 minutes per day, it has sunscreen on it. I promise.

What are some things you keep to yourself?

*Although Shane doesn't have the slightest clue who I am, thank you, Shane, for inspiring me tonight.*

Top 10 Skin Cancer Bloggers

This blog has never been about trying to gain attention for myself. It started as therapy, a way to cope with the intense fear that was burying me. It served as a tool to inform my friends and family of the roller coaster ride we were on. As many of you unfortunately know, having to repeat the same bad news over and over again starts to take its toll on you. I started this blog for selfish reasons: I wanted to make my life a little easier.

It wasn't long before I started using the blog to raise awareness about melanoma. I wanted people to see that melanoma isn't always the cut-it-out-and-you'll-be-fine type of cancer. It's sneaky, incurable, and fast. I wanted to share the daily struggles, the fears, the latest surgery scars and scan results. I wanted people to see that at only 23, I was paying for that tan I just had to have.

I never expected this blog to open so many opportunities for me to raise melanoma awareness. I'm just a Virginia gal who loves to write. I write from my heart, which sometimes pisses people off. I admit my fears. I share the latest news. I bitch. I cry. I live.

This blog has surprised me in many incredible ways.

Today, it surprised me yet again...

Today, Sharecare named the top 10 skin cancer bloggers. I came in at number 2! How I made this list, I don't have the slightest clue. According to the press release, "Officially known as "Social HealthMakers," these bloggers are among the most influential people in health and wellness on the Web, according to a ranking system based on more than 100 individual metrics."

The list is made up of mostly doctors; however, a few of my melanoma friends were recognized as well! Katie of Pretty in Pale and Susan of Jillian's Journey with Melanoma. I'm so proud of them. If you haven't checked out their blogs, do so. 

I want to thank all of you for reading my words, sharing my page, and continuing to follow me during these last 2 years. I wouldn't have made this list without you.

To read the full press release: http://www.marketwatch.com/story/sharecare-names-top-10-skin-cancer-bloggers-2013-07-09

To meet the other bloggers: http://www.sharecare.com/static/top-ten-social-healthmakers

Be As You Are

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I started this blog with the promise to be exactly who I am. I don't hide how I am feeling. If a tan chick pisses me off at Barnes and Noble, I write about it. When I am struggling with how people treat me since the cancer diagnosis, I vent. And when I am scared beyond measures, you pick up on it. I keep very few secrets when it comes to my cancer. Because of my lack of concealing my feelings, I never know how people will respond to my posts.

I was not sure how people would feel about my last post. I spent a lot of time on it and I put my true feelings and fears out in the open. Imagine my relief and surprise when I heard from so many people who could relate exactly to how I was feeling. I even heard from quite a few blog readers that I did not know existed! Because of that post, I gained another reason to be thankful....new molemates!

I started reviewing my blog tonight. I wanted to see who was referring others to my site, etc. I was stunned to see that my blog--since February--has had 95,548 hits! Wow.

When I initially started posting I did it as a type of therapy. I had a hard time talking seriously about the melanoma, I would downplay my fears, make a joke to take away the seriousness of the diagnosis, or quickly change the subject. I felt like if I was strong, it would make things easier for everyone else. As most of you know, you can only be strong for so long until you crack. Writing kept me sane. It allowed me to absorb everything that was happening to me. When you are initially diagnosed with cancer, things happen quickly. You go from being perfectly healthy to ridiculously sick. Your day to day life turns completely upside down and your new schedule revolves around doctors and medical words that require Google to understand. I also did it as a way to stay sane. My family is the best, as I have mentioned a time or two, but they like to know every little detail. It was nearly impossible to explain every appointment to every person who called me. It was easier to just post a link to my blog on Facebook and have them read it there.

Instead of just my family reading it, many more people read my words. It is flattering and humbling to know that my experience helps someone else. When I was first looking through blogs, I had very few options. I wanted to read someone's raw emotions. I wanted to know that the anger that I was feeling was normal. I wanted the truth. That is why I have promised to always be honest with you all.

The comments I receive, the emails that share your personal stories, the fact that you share my words with someone else means that I am doing exactly what I aimed to do, I am writing the truth.

Cancer is not pretty. It isn't pink ribbons and butterflies. We have good days, and we have bad, bad days. We have ugly scars, massive amounts of determination, and secret fears that will make you cringe. We take the good with the bad. And if anyone doesn't like what they read on this blog, well, tough stuff. Like the picture says, "There is nothing more badass than being who you are." I just happen to be one brutally honest melanoma diva.

Please continue letting me hear your stories. Even if I cannot respond directly to your comments, I read what you write, and I am inspired by you.

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