A Little Girl's Dream

I was never the little girl who planned her wedding at the age of 10. I didn't know what kind of dress I wanted, had no clue (and I still don't!) what kind of flowers I wanted, or what song I wanted to dance to for our first dance. I just knew one thing: I would only marry a man I didn't want to live without and I wanted to find my wedding dress with the women in my family.

There was a time when I wasn't sure I'd get this day.
(Damn you, Melanoma!)

For as long as I can remember I've wanted that special moment that only happens to a gal once. You know, the moment that makes you cry while watching "Say Yes to the Dress!" I wanted that moment when my mom saw me in a veil for the first time. I wanted the moments when my sister nagged me to try on dresses I typically wouldn't wear. I dreamed of the moment I looked in the mirror and said "ah ha" while tears rolled down everyone's face.

I had that moment.

While I greatly wish everyone could have been with me, I had such a great day finding THE dress!

"I Found My Wedding Gown Today!"

My sister, my gran, me, my mom, my future MIL, and my bridesmaid!

(And yes, the dress I picked was one I told my sister I didn't want to try on! Go figure!) 

I know I'm going to feel beautiful in my wedding dress, fair skin & all! 

A Little On Love

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I was in bed this morning, slowly waking up, and searching for the motivation to get out of bed. In between dozing, I rolled over and looked at Mr. Spots peacefully sleeping. I started thinking about how much has changed in just the last year. This time last July I was temporarily staying with my parents, traveling to NYC once every 3 weeks for treatments, all while my live-in boyfriend was 7 hours away. Like you can expect of a new couple (or hell, any couple!), we were adjusting to living a life that went from enjoying that wonderful "falling in love" easiness to a life that suddenly included visits to oncologists and hospital stays. We had only known each other for 11 months when I was diagnosed. 

Statistically, we were doomed.

As I have blogged about previously, cancer challenges relationships of all kinds. Sadly, it has been known to end a lot of relationships. In our case melanoma caused us to hurt each other desperately. At the same time, it made our relationship the kind I don't want to live without.

I felt alone, he felt abandoned. We hurt each other. Then, only 2 long months later, on the 6 month anniversary of my diagnosis, we found our way back to one another. 

 Celebrating 6 month diagnosis

by riding roller coasters & the ferris wheel!

July 2011

I know--without question--those months apart opened our eyes and our hearts.

"We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am...

I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)."

--Jason Mraz

Watch the video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1-4u9W-bns

Once again, Jason Mraz gets it right.

What I've learned in the last year is that you must fight for what you want in this world. You can't run away just because you face challenges. Today--and every other day--I am thankful we found our way back to each other.

(OK, sorry for the sappy post! Have a great week!) 

Something Beautiful

One week from today is my one year cancer-versary with our dark friend Melanoma. One year. Wow.

As you would expect, I have a lot of thoughts brewing. I did not sleep well last night. My sister and boyfriend joke that when I go to sleep, I look like I am dead, meaning that I do not move, snore, or anything that most people do in their sleep. (Although I do have frequent pee breaks. What can I say? I have the bladder the size of a pea.) They recently confided that when I was recovering from surgeries this past year, they both would get extremely close to my face just to verify that I was, in fact, alive. According to Mr. Spots, I have been tossing and turning lately. Anxiety? Or is it just the new Stephen King book interrupting my usually peaceful dreams?

I am not ready to blog about my anxiety tonight. Instead, on this cold Tuesday night in Southwest Virginia, I am going to go curl up to my guy. In my other blog, I once said, that like Elizabeth Gilbert, "I deserve something beautiful."

 I believe, with my whole heart, that I have found it.