Sweet Emily

You're going to have to forgive me this morning, but I'm going to share something that's not the slightest bit related to melanoma.

 

http://www.emilyinthecity.com/ 

This is Emily. I had the honor of meeting Emily when I was waiting at Sloan Kettering for an appointment with my oncologist a year or two ago. Emily was waiting to see her oncologist as well. Drawn to her by her Virginia Tech sweatshirt, my mom and I began to chat with her. Emily had spunk. She may have been battling an incurable brain tumor, but the girl had one of the best attitudes I've ever seen. Over the last year, Emily's cancer progressively got worse. She was constantly in and out of the hospital, quickly losing her vision, etc. However, her spunk was still there. With the help of her friends, and even strangers, Emily was able to cross off a few items from her "to- see" list before her vision got worse.

In January I received a text from Emily asking me about Yervoy. Her doctors, with no other treatment options, and stating that Emily only had a few months to live, thought that they would do a trial with Yervoy. She wanted to try whatever she could that may possibly give her a few more months here with us. I shared my slim knowledge of the drug, told her how my mom and I continue to keep her in our thoughts, and Emily encouraged me to be healthy and well. I didn't hear much from Emily after that day in January.

I logged onto Facebook yesterday and saw the post I feared: Emily passed away yesterday at the age of 26.

Why am I sharing this with you on my melanoma blog? For starters, Emily was an awesome gal. She was a kind person, and even during her darkest moments, she cheered me on. Emily also had a way with words. I encourage you to check out her blog: http://www.emilyinthecity.com/

As an ending to this post, I want to share something Emily once wrote:

"Recently, two people have commented on all the fun I'm having on FB and in pictures. First, happy to trade--really, dying and relying on your parents, is not "fun." I'm just doing what I would encourage you all to be doing: live. Just live every day to YOUR fullest. In fact, because both your hands work and you haven't fallen three times in two days due to balance issues, YOU should be having more fun. If you're not; you're doing it wrong. If you hate something in your life --change it."

I think we can all learn a little something from that.

Rest now, sweet Emily.

"How do you live your life? I live mine with both eyes open – even if only one takes in the picture." 

Emily Morrison

The Universe IS Unfolding.

I am sure some people wonder why I share such intimate fears and feelings with the universe. All you have to do is Google my name & you can read about some of my most private thoughts. Why do I allow people into the little world that I call my own? Why do I risk future employers seeing me at my weakest? Why do I have any desire to share my hardest battle with absolute strangers?

I share my experiences because too many other people do not. Most people, myself included prior to melanoma, want to keep their private lives private. I respect that. When I was first diagnosed, I needed to read more than just statistics. Lord, if statistics were the only thing I read, I would have died of fear right then and there. I wanted to read what being diagnosed with cancer was really like. Was I supposed to cry in the shower? Was it OK that I smiled and laughed with my doctors instead of sobbing my way through appointments? Did it seem odd that I couldn't allow myself to grieve? I needed to hear about the emotional part! Being only 23 years old when I was diagnosed, I did not find many resources. According to Google, melanoma attacked mostly older folks many years after sunburns and tanning bed memberships. I thought that if someone my age, or especially younger, read about my fears & saw my not-so-attractive pictures, maybe they would think twice before they fell into the belief that melanoma is "just" skin cancer.

Another reason I continue to post my most intimate fears for the Internet world to see is because I receive so much positive feedback & advice. Yesterday I was really struggling when I wrote the blog post. As usual, I received wonderful advice from people who have already been through the steps I am going through now. The overall piece of advice they all agreed on was:

I have a hard time not being hard on myself. I realize the traumatic experience that I have been through; however, I like to speed through the grief process and get back to living my "normal" life. I'm not exactly sure that is healthy. And as I discussed in the previous post, I don't have the slightest clue what normal is anymore. In my head, there are certain things I should be doing now that I have No Evidence of Disease and I truly don't know how to just sit back and let the last 9 months sink into this big ol' head of mine.

I want to share a few other pieces of advice from fellow "mole mates" (Thanks to The Big C for that wonderful nickname.)

"When you know... you'll know. Until then, don't look so hard."

"Keep the long range big plan in mind, but a whole lot of life is short little slices of time that fall in between the bigger things you do."

"For now, I'd prescribe for you a large daily dose of living in the present. In the meantime, let the deep soul searching about life plans continue on in the subconscious reaches of your mind. The harder we search, the less we discern, and moments of insight may seem to come out of nowhere and at the most unexpected times and in the strangest places."

"If you discussed this with your parents and family, I'm sure they would say "Go, fly, live your life... We'll ALWAYS be here for you no matter what. You'll always have a safe place to land."

"Where are you going now? ANYWHERE YOU WANT!!! You can do it! Life is scary, growing up is scary, but cancer is SCARY! Just follow your heart!"

"He told me that if I lived with that fear, the Melanoma was already winning. Easier said that done, I know, but he was right. You HAVE to make plans like you will live until you are 100. It's ok to be scared, it's ok to question decisions, it's ok to have a moment where you worry about the the "what if". But ultimately you have to remember that you are ALIVE and you are a SURVIVOR. No one can predict the future and you can't miss out on things because you are worrying that something bad may happen. The good news is that your family isn't going anywhere. They will always be there for you if you need them. Now is the time to figure out what YOU want, regardless of your medical status. Melanoma does not define you and should not define your decisions!"

I hope this advice helps someone else who is facing such tough decisions...It sure helped me. Thanks, mole mates. I adore you.

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