Melanoma and Relationships

There should be a self-help book based on how to deal with your significant other after she has been diagnosed with cancer. It should begin with "Pay little attention to the major mood swings...They, too, will pass."

I have blogged about Mr. Spots quite a bit in the past. It is always a hard decision for me about what I should write and what I shouldn't; however, I said I was going to be honest and I am sticking to that. Anyone who has faced a difficult road in life knows that we all handle things differently. Some of us face things head on, others do whatever that can be done to ignore the less than pleasant experiences life throws at us. I am the type of person that is sometimes so independent it comes across as being stubborn, and then there are other times when I am a scared little girl. If I am going to "break down" and cry, Mr. Spots has been my go-to guy. I turn to him with every positive update, every scary statistic, every ounce of hope, and unfortunately...every bit of anger.

Case in point--this most recent surgery.

I was scared out of my mind about this latest surgery. I had no idea what to expect, what the outcome would be, what side effects I would be stuck with, etc. Honestly, I was a little ticked off that he was not around to experience all of it with me. In my very selfish brain, I thought that as my "partner" he should have been by my side during the scariest day of my life. I could not get past the resentment I felt towards him for being elsewhere. I mean, there I was, taking drastic steps for HOPE that I can beat this thing, and he was home living his "normal" life.

Now that I am more calm, have good news, and regaining the ability to use my arms, I realize that I was being a bit selfish. He has a little boy, family, and school. He can't drop everything every single time I have a cancer scare. I can't say it does not sting a little, but one thing this whole experience has taught me is that I have to pick my battles carefully. He has been a blessing to me...my outlet when I am too scared to tell anyone else the horrible thoughts I am having, my partner in crime when I want to have some fun, my ball of energy when I can hardly stand to get out of bed, and my boyfriend.....Regardless of the cancer craziness, Mr. Spots continues to remind me he loves me, reminds me that I am beautiful---scary scars and all---and he loves me...really loves me.

I have to remember to give the guy a break sometimes...just like he has to remember my mood swings are sometimes earned...and that despite my tough girl act, I need him.

That is why I am thankful he is on his way to see me today. We have some apologizing and celebrating to do.

Give and take. That's how relationships survive, right?

Being Ms. Independent Gets Me in Trouble.

I have a bad habit

of trying to take care of everyone else.

When I am nervous,

scared,

or confused,

I tend to shove people away.

It is my coping mechanism...

Which is why I tried to end things with Mr. Spots today.

I know it was not rational. I know I was just feeling the pressure from the big "C" word (haha, not commitment...cancer!) I know I was hurtful. I know I was being a drama queen. And I know I would be absolutely lost without him.

But I had my reasons....

You see--in my head--I was protecting both of us. I felt like he wasn't facing the cruel reality of what is about to happen, the changes that will alter everything about ME.  I will never again be the girl he fell in love with...who I will be, well, I don't know. In my head, I saw myself as being baggage.

It gets more selfish...

I can't believe I am admitting this for the world to see (damn my promise to be brutally honest) but it is hard for me not to feel resentment towards him. In my selfish mind, I saw him living his life like normal...Here I am, hours away, about to go through the battle of my life, and he gets to continue doing his day to day routine. Do I want any less for him? Of course not. I want him happy. I am just jealous of what he has...his normal, healthy life, the child I may or may not ever have, the ability to stay positive no matter what. I don't want any of that taken away from him--ever--but it is hard to deal with sometimes. On my hardest days, I feel like I am being slapped.

Try to understand---I am angry at the world right now. Not Mr. Spots. I am angry about the drunk on the corner who can CHOOSE to waste his life every day. I am angry at the sorority girl who chooses to tan even though her family has a history of skin cancer. I am angry at anyone and everything because what other emotion can I feel right now? Sure, I am sad. I am destroyed by this. However, if I give into the sadness, it will bury me alive.

So, in my mind, instead of taking my anger out on the one I love, I decided it would be healthier for the both of us if I did the dirty work for him.

Here is the unexpected thing about Mr. Spots...He knows me better than I think he does. He knows that when I am scared, I shut down. I don't trust easily, and he knows that. He could have easily said "OK, Chelsea, do what YOU need to do" and I would have been on my way. Instead, he got extremely frustrated with me, took a break from it, and then flat out refused to accept what I was proposing.

Did I truly want to end things with him? Of course not. I would be lost without him. I have this irrational fear of being hurt...I could blame it on my past but I feel like that would be an easy escape. My way of protecting myself is by leaving before I am left. I know that in the situation with Mr. Spots that is unfair. We have what others want. I know that. But in my very scared mind, I wondered how I could deal if he left me when I get "sick? "

Do I expect him to stay with me? If so, it will because he chooses to do so. Not because he feels sorry for me. I will never beg. If he wants to be with me, he will be with me. Until then I need to go back to enjoying what we have...and the laughter that he adds to my life.

Because...without him...life would not be as fun.

Mr. Spots Deserves a Reward...

...for giving me the best Valentine's day!

(And for all the little things that

I don't thank him enough for.)

What is that quote about being able to make a girl laugh?

Yesterday was a great day. And yes, as many of you notified me about, I did not post anything. I needed a break! I wanted to love on my boyfriend, feel pretty, and avoid anything Cancer related. 

(But I am glad to know I was missed!)

It has been very easy to become absorbed into the Cancer world. There is research. There are forums. There is a whole lot of "doom and gloom" available online if you take the time to look for it. The last month I have been hit over the head with bad news, been told amazing news, and essentially been on the roller coaster of my life. To have a romantic evening with my guy? It was needed. 

And appreciated.

It made me realize that life does get in the way sometimes. Priorities get out of wack. Petty issues get blown into big deals. Why? Probably because all of us are too tired to actually deal with the issue on hand.

I will never truly know how Mr. Spots is handling the news that his girlfriend has cancer. I mean, who expects that, right? On the outside he is strong, he is positive, and at times, he is the only thing holding me together. I can imagine the toll all of this is taking on him. Someone pointed out the other day that I should be relieved he hasn't disappeared. Truth is, he is not that type of guy. 

Through all of this, he has never made me feel like I am alone. When asked by various people about my condition, he never says "she." He says "we." I am pretty sure I have not even told him how that ONE word means so incredibly much to me. For a girl who likes to behave as though she can handle the world on her own, I cannot. And realizing that he is willing to take me on, cancer and all, has made me truly realize what a lucky girl I am.

Despite my very ugly scars, despite my very ugly rash, despite my new ability to cry while washing dishes, he loves me...he tells me I am beautiful...cancer and all.

And for that, I will always be grateful.