Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Impulsive Decisions?

I have always been the girl who is up for an adventure. A concert on a work night? Count me in. A road trip at the very last minute? Of course. Moving to a fairly large city without knowing a single person? Did it. Then melanoma attacked me...literally...and it paralyzed me. Everything about my 'normal' life ended. Before I even understood what the doctor was telling me, I had appointments with a surgeon and an oncologist. Then I had surgeries, and visits with in the chemo suite, and melanoma tumor scares. My life--and my mom's--truly revolved around my cancer. 

I finished my 4th dose of the ipi/placebo the end of July. I knew that I had scans August 5th so I felt like I truly could not make a single plan until I heard the results. What would happen if I started making plans and The Wizard, my oncologist, gave me bad news? Can you imagine the let down I would feel? Hearing I had melanoma the first time nearly crushed me. This time, I knew it would crush me. So, I didn't make plans. I lived in limbo all summer. I kept a suitcase packed, I spent the most quality time I have had in years with my family (LOVED it! Thankful for it!) and I waited while everyone around me continued on with their day to day routines.

(Let me tell you...Sitting back, silently watching everyone continue with their normal lives, all while waiting for the doctor to call you with bad news is not healthy. Actually, I'm pretty sure "not healthy" is an understatement.)

I have written before about how I was ready to get my life back. And it was true. Emotionally, a huge part of me was ready. However, we all know life can be quite the little brat sometimes, and things kept happening that prevented me from putting those emotions into plan. I am so grateful that I was home with my family when those events occurred. I mean, who else can nurse me back to life like my Momma? Not a single soul!

But now, even though I have scans and treatment coming up in November, I am going to be brave. I am going to jump off the safe harbor and put myself out there again. Yes, life may come crashing down, but why should I waste this "No Evidence of Disease" time by waiting for the disease to attack me again? I am going to have scans every 3 months for a very, very long time. Do I wait for those years to pass? Do I sit back and let my 20's get even more destroyed by melanoma? Call me selfish, but I think melanoma has had enough of my full attention. I want my life back.

No, it won't be my old life. Is that really a bad thing though? My friend Kasey sent me a message the other day after catching up on my blog. She said, "For the last year and a half I have been trying to remember who I was before cancer. But to be honest, it feels like it was another lifetime ago." How many of you Warriors can agree with that? Although it has only been 9 months since I was diagnosed, I know, and those closest to me know, I am not the same girl anymore. How could I be? I cannot jump back into being the girl I was after this wake up call. Truly, I don't want to. Like Kasey said, "it's a long journey, but cancer is just helping us become the people we always wanted to be. Everyone should be a little jealous, because we are the enlightened ones who now have a deeper understanding of the universe...and know that shit happens."

I am going to be brave. I am going to cross my fingers, say my prayers, and trust my gut. If I receive a dirty scan that says melanoma is attacking, I will then focus on kicking its ass. Until then.......

It's moving time, ladies & gentleman.

1 comment:

Kate said...

You are so awesome and brave. Good for you for reclaiming your life! Enjoy that process and remember you can be anyone you want to be.