One thing I have learned first hand in this experience is that it is very hard to leave your normal, healthy life and try to return to it a few months later as a completely different person. Let me tell you...it is not as easy as it seems. Everything is pretty much the same........except me.
I have always been a bit of a gypsy. I tend to pick a place far from home, move to it, develop a life, then move when I am "over" it or find a reason to move. I guess I am a bit impulsive in that sense. I felt like I had a reason to be in that particular place for the time being, I learned from it, and then I was ready to move on to the next adventure. Although I had strong roots to my hometown, I was not interested in returning to "home." Since I got diagnosed, all I have craved is to be healthy and normal again. I wanted the things that had previously annoyed me---early morning work shifts with no coffee, a schedule that revolved around everyone else but me, I wanted arguments with my boyfriend over what we were having for dinner, not arguments about major decisions. I wanted--no, I craved--normalcy. I still do.
Now I am wondering what is normal? How can I jump back into my previous life when so much about myself has changed? I don't exactly feel lost, more than that I feel like I am seeking my "purpose" in life. Now that I have this second opportunity to reinvent myself, where do I begin? For starters, where do I live? Do I stay in the safety that is my hometown? Is that being true to myself? Do I go back to Roanoke? Will I be OK being away from my family again? Do I branch out and find a new place with new people? I don't know.
My friend Laura told me the universe will give me my sign. It will show me where I am supposed to be. The thing is, the universe is playing mind games....One minute I think I could never leave my little Shore again. It was where I ran when I needed to heal physically & emotionally. In the next minute, I want to try to go back to the life I had before melanoma. How do I make the decision? .
The question I am asking myself tonight is where do I go, who do I want to be, and how do I work on achieving that?
I guess I have some soul searching ahead of me.