Out of Control

Have you ever felt like your life was spinning out of control? The minute you think you have a handle on it, something new happens, and you are back to step one. That basically explains the last 5 months of my life. Everyone has an opinion on every aspect of my life. Not many take the time to listen to what I want, but instead asks, "You're not thinking of...?" Truthfully, I don't have the slightest clue what I am thinking.

I know I want to be healthy. I know I want to continue to promote melanoma awareness. I know I want to be there for my melanoma warriors like they have been here for me. But what else? Where do I want to live? What is the next step in my life? How do I figure out what I want? Then, how do I achieve what I want?

After receiving the great news regarding my neck biopsy, I needed a break from the melanoma madness. I stopped blogging as often, I took a break from the forums, I hardly checked my email. (If I have not responded to you lately, I apologize...Someone told me to be selfish for a while & I actually took his advice.) I needed to start living my life again. Of course there are minor adjustments to my new life...Sunscreen 24/7, I avoid the sun during the hours of 10-4, I check my moles daily, I feel for swollen lymph nodes, I monitor my temperature when I feel feverish, I don't let anyone touch my left shoulder, and I cringe when strangers touch my arms. The list goes on & on. But, I have gotten back out there, started focusing on things other than melanoma. Honestly? It has felt good.

For five months my life has revolved completely around melanoma. Between the scans, the doctors, the bad news, the surgeries, the good news, etc, I have done little else than live in "Hotel Melanoma." As my friend Rich talks about in his blog (click the link above) there is no checking out of Hotel Melanoma unless you pass away. (Melanoma being a terminal disease and all...) Since I have no desire to be put underground any time soon, I am a full time resident. I am lucky to have found myself in the position of having "No Evidence of Disease" but that does not mean I am or will ever be "cured."


Everyone needs a break from their life. So, I took one.  I needed to focus on what I want out of this life. It has been a month since Mr. Spots & I broke up. The details of moving my stuff out still have not been finalized. Moving my things home means the relationship is finished. Done. Over. Am I ready for that? Are our issues because of the stress of melanoma? Or did those issues become more noticeable because of the stress of melanoma? Can you love someone but that love not be enough to make the relationship work? I know I can be OK without him, but do I really want to build a life completely separate from his? Can we ever forgive each other for the resentment we both feel?

Then what about the new life I am slowly creating for myself? The friends I am reconnecting with, the family I get to see on a regular basis instead of once every 3 months, the fact that the ocean--the one place I always relax--is minutes away...Can I walk away from all of this? Do I want to risk losing the special relationships I am developing? What would happen if I went back to Mr. Spots, the same issues came into play again, and I missed out on what I think is a great opportunity?

So, as you can see, I am confused. I feel torn. I feel angry at melanoma for making my life turn upside down. I feel frustrated with myself for not being able to make any decisions. And, most importantly, I feel sad for what could have been...



But, probably, never will be.