To be blunt, I am in a blah mood.
"What's wrong?" is the question my Mom & boyfriend have repeatedly asked me over the last few days. I don't have an answer for it. I am tired, I feel emotional, and I am a bit pissed off. I wish I could simply say, "My friend ticked me off" or "I don't feel good." None of those things are completely true though. Sure, I am feeling a little irritated with some close friends, and yes, I feel like I have an ongoing hangover, but those aren't reasons for my bad mood. Maybe I am hormonal! Isn't that what all men blame our bitchiness on anyway? But seriously, I can't pinpoint where my bad mood is coming from. I just don't have the energy to be cheerful.
Y'all know this is unlike me.
I have been going to sleep fairly early, getting about 9 hours of sleep per night, but yet I wake up exhausted. That is my biggest problem right now. No matter how much sleep I get, I am constantly tired. I push through it though...I wake up around 8:00 each day, get myself ready to go help my Step Dad for a few hours, then go home and lay in bed for a bit, get some energy, eat with the family, and call it a night. Maybe my problem is that I am not being a busy bee. I seem to stay more cheerful when I am working on 100 different things at once.
I think it is time to start making plans for the rest of my life. I need to get some ideas working on where I want to be, what I want to do, and how I am going to do it. I would call it My Bucket List, but I think it's going to be more work/daily life related than fun adventures. I feel uneasy when I do not what the next step is going to be. I know that right now I need to continue what I am doing, but I am starting to feel like a caged animal. I want to get out of this 3 week treatment bubble and start regaining a bit of my own life again. I am incredibly grateful for my family & how they have taken care of me in the last 6 months. I have not had to worry about anything except my own well being. I realize how lucky I am every day. I also realize I can't live in their safe little bubble forever either. I have lived on my own since I was 18. I need to find that ability again.
Thankfully, after this treatment on Friday, I am finished with treatment until November. I have to return to New York on August 4th for scans and a check-up with The Wizard, but after that (as long as things are OK) I am free from the medical world until the beginning of November. I can't begin to explain how excited I am for a break from needles, and Chemo Suites, and lab coats. I am extremely grateful for the wonderful care I have received; however, one place where you wish they would forget your name is in a cancer center.
I should stop complaining. I have an amazing life. I am--hopefully still--NED. I feel so at peace with my decision to try to work things out with Mr. Spots, and I have fun adventures planned in NYC this week. But, I said in the beginning that I was going to be completely honest in what I post on this blog. I can't pretend like every day is a good day--most days are great days--but there are days when I just don't feel like being upbeat. Today is one of them. I will get over my funk & be back to myself in no time. I know it.
Now...I need a nap. Again.