To be blunt, I am in a blah mood.
"What's wrong?" is the question my Mom & boyfriend have repeatedly asked me over the last few days. I don't have an answer for it. I am tired, I feel emotional, and I am a bit pissed off. I wish I could simply say, "My friend ticked me off" or "I don't feel good." None of those things are completely true though. Sure, I am feeling a little irritated with some close friends, and yes, I feel like I have an ongoing hangover, but those aren't reasons for my bad mood. Maybe I am hormonal! Isn't that what all men blame our bitchiness on anyway? But seriously, I can't pinpoint where my bad mood is coming from. I just don't have the energy to be cheerful.
Y'all know this is unlike me.
I have been going to sleep fairly early, getting about 9 hours of sleep per night, but yet I wake up exhausted. That is my biggest problem right now. No matter how much sleep I get, I am constantly tired. I push through it though...I wake up around 8:00 each day, get myself ready to go help my Step Dad for a few hours, then go home and lay in bed for a bit, get some energy, eat with the family, and call it a night. Maybe my problem is that I am not being a busy bee. I seem to stay more cheerful when I am working on 100 different things at once.
I think it is time to start making plans for the rest of my life. I need to get some ideas working on where I want to be, what I want to do, and how I am going to do it. I would call it My Bucket List, but I think it's going to be more work/daily life related than fun adventures. I feel uneasy when I do not what the next step is going to be. I know that right now I need to continue what I am doing, but I am starting to feel like a caged animal. I want to get out of this 3 week treatment bubble and start regaining a bit of my own life again. I am incredibly grateful for my family & how they have taken care of me in the last 6 months. I have not had to worry about anything except my own well being. I realize how lucky I am every day. I also realize I can't live in their safe little bubble forever either. I have lived on my own since I was 18. I need to find that ability again.
Thankfully, after this treatment on Friday, I am finished with treatment until November. I have to return to New York on August 4th for scans and a check-up with The Wizard, but after that (as long as things are OK) I am free from the medical world until the beginning of November. I can't begin to explain how excited I am for a break from needles, and Chemo Suites, and lab coats. I am extremely grateful for the wonderful care I have received; however, one place where you wish they would forget your name is in a cancer center.
I should stop complaining. I have an amazing life. I am--hopefully still--NED. I feel so at peace with my decision to try to work things out with Mr. Spots, and I have fun adventures planned in NYC this week. But, I said in the beginning that I was going to be completely honest in what I post on this blog. I can't pretend like every day is a good day--most days are great days--but there are days when I just don't feel like being upbeat. Today is one of them. I will get over my funk & be back to myself in no time. I know it.
Now...I need a nap. Again.
2 comments:
Wish I could help, but funks just happen sometimes. Maybe it'll make you feel a little better just knowing that what you're going through isn't unusual. About the only thing I know for sure is that my funks are a lot more common as I approach major events like the scan you have coming up or are waiting for results (I just scheduled my next scan for late August so I'm going through a bit of one myself. I usually go through one really heavy duty funk a week or two out).
I also find that a good funk seems to bring with it thoughts of the future. Melanoma is an odd beast; Especially when you're in the realm of NED. It should be a (relatively) happy time, but the C word is always dangling over your head so it's hard to ever be COMPLETELY positive about what you have coming up. You have to deal with thoughts of your day-to-day "normal" life even though your life is far from normal. Your priorities have changed completely and it's very hard to focus sometimes on what others consider "urgent" (especially at places like where you work).
On the positive side, some of the things you think about during a funk can be really helpful. A lot of my thoughts and plans turn out to be more reasonable and thoughtful. When I'm back on an even keel, my funk plans are usually a lot more realistic than the grand plans I come up with during my more manic times (anyone up for dropping everything and moving to Spain with me?). I'm not saying everything that comes to mind during a funk is a good idea, but don't discard them out of hand either. Keep those thoughts handy and evaluate them when you're in a better state of mind. You just might find that you've come up with a few useful ideas.
Again, I wish I could offer more advice about how to get out or avoid a good funk, but I still haven't figured it out myself. I would just say that they pass. You'll be back to "normal" pretty soon.
(speaking of "Bucket Lists"... Want to put the rest of a room in a funk with you? Try sitting around with a group of people after a few drinks when the bucket list topic comes up... Everyone knew I had melanoma, but as you often mention; "It's only skin cancer" in their minds... Everyone shared their grand plans and dreams until it got to me and I piped up with "My goal in life is to die of a heart attack or get hit by a bus... or maybe behind the wheel in a fiery Ferrari crash, though I'd also settle for natural causes at a ripe old age... anything but Melanoma". I know how terribly morbid that must sound to most people, but I doubt it's an unusual thought for some of us... I apologized naturally, but I doubt that topic will come up again at the next evening out with most of those folks... On a positive note; I was no longer in my funk alone!)
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Tim
Tim,
Maybe it's my dark sense of humor, but I actually laughed out loud when I read your bucket list conversation. I am pretty certain I would have said the same exact thing! ...Anything but melanoma!
Thank you again for your thoughtful comment. I am feeling much better today. Hello, emotional rollercoaster!
Hope you're well.
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