Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Losing The Security Blanket

Over the last few months I had let my hair grow pretty long. Considering the 3 surgeries I have had in 5 months that limited my mobility, I appreciated being able to take 30 seconds to tie my hair up in a pony tail or have someone do it for me (which happened more than you would think...) I needed that option. Yes, it was fun playing around with my long, super curly hair...but I did not feel pretty. Thinking back on my favorite haircut, it was my senior year of college...I loved it. It was short. It was sassy. It felt like "me."

So, I was having a chit chat with Mom this morning, trying to decide which picture to submit along with an article that will be featured next Tuesday on http://www.hugsforstrength.com/. She mentioned my favorite haircut...which got the gears turning in my head.

It is about to be summer time...I need a change...I want to feel sassy and brave again. oh, and pretty. Call me vain but I want to feel attractive again.

Cutting my hair would be like asking a child to give up their favorite teddy bear. I have to admit I am back to hiding behind my hair....and behind scarves. You know that song by Sugarland? She sings, "Little Miss hide your scars..." I have become that Little Miss.  My latest neck scar is not even bad...considering what was done! But my confidence feels a lot lower...I feel beaten down lately. I have not felt like writing. I do not feel like talking. God help you if you try to make me do anything I don't feel like doing... I do not understand why---I should be ecstatic...and I am...but I feel like so much has been taken from me. I feel....................like an emotional basket case? Yes.

I sat here on the couch and cried...not in a "I feel sorry for myself way" but a "you idiot, you are the one lecturing others about melanoma. Cut your hair. Show your scars. Let people see that melanoma really CAN happen" type of way. I felt ridiculous for being so nervous. Who cares if people stare at me? I will politely smile and make them realize they are being rude.

So, I got in the car and went to see my hair stylist. I knew if I waited, I would change my mind. When my very young stylist asked about my scars, I flat out told her "I have had two surgeries since January for stage III melanoma. Soooo, yeah....don't tan." And I smiled and kind of laughed.

Why hide it?

The stylist next to her was so amazed by my scars...He said had I not said anything, he would have never noticed them. (Thanks, bud. I am not sure if you were just being polite or what but you made this girl smile.)

I have been through too much in the last 4 months to start hiding again. I will wear shirts that show my back. I will wear a bathing suit that shows all of my scars...including my "bullet holes." I will enjoy my sassy hair cut...and I will feel sorry for the first idiot who makes a rude comment about my many scars. No one can do a guilt trip quite as good as I can. ;-)


Dr. Jennifer Feeny said...

Do It! I have no regrets... LOVE my short hair! Can't wait to see your haircut

John and Susan said...

Love the hair, can't wait to see you on Saturday! Love ya Susan

Kathy said...

Great message Chelsea. We should all show our scars. Thanks for making it seem so simple...even though I know it is not.

Tina Sullivan said...

Once again you surprise me with your strength. Keep it up girl!

Anonymous said...

You are beautiful, no matter what! Show those scars! It might be a little difficult in the beginning, but they represent your journey and your fight, and most importantly, your LIFE! You have my support!

PS - I like short sassy cuts, too!