Thursday, February 3, 2011

Dr. Pink Gives It To Me Straight

What have I learned about Melanoma today?

It has not started sucking any less.

I didn't sleep well last night...waited for B to get home. I needed that quality time with the dude I love. I have to admit, I am a lucky girl. He's not running for the hills, even though I would totally understand if he did. Who signs up to date a girl with cancer? Then again, what human being signs up to BE the person with cancer?

It is typical to ask, "Why me? What did I do to deserve this?" I'm sure my parents are obsessing over that question. But really, it is not a rational question.. As my step-dad told me today, none of us know what is ahead of us. (And really, do we really want to know?!) As cliche as it sounds, we have to take the cards life has handed us and deal with it. *But again...Have I, in a fit of total anger, wondered what in the hell I have done to deserve this? Definitely.

I kept having this irrational fear that if I fell asleep last night, I would not wake up. Nothing like THAT thought to keep you awake at night...


I met with Dr. Pink today. Have I mentioned that I adore him? He reminds me of my Pop. Think that's why I like him so much... He does not sugar coat things, he gives it to me straight. Today, there was a slight difference...his tone of voice was softer. He was more gentle with me. If I had not of already known the results of the lymph node biopsy I would have been suspicious immediately.

Dr. Pink gave me the same information that I received yesterday, but he gave it to me like he was talking to his friend, not like I am just another patient. I think Dr. Bad Mustache forgets I'm human...(Note to future doctors: please do not forget to have a strong, warm personality. Hearing bad news is hard enough.)

I asked him if he believes we will find cancer in other parts of my body. He apologized before answering, but said that he does believe we will.

What does that mean?

Well, I guess it means I have to come to terms with the possibility that this is about to get even more tough. 

A part of me suspected that the cancer was elsewhere since it is already in my lymph nodes. With the appointment with Dr. Pink today, it really confirmed it. I have to come to terms with it myself before the oncologist confirms it; otherwise, I am scared of my reaction... 

I have to give myself credit---I held it together! Even when he told me he believes the cancer is somewhere else in my body...I kept a smile on my face. It may have been a fake smile, but it was important to me I did not least not yet. Dr. Pink commented, "I feel like you are comforting me instead of the other way around."

Dr. Pink doesn't need to know that I totally lost it about ten minutes after we left...

Sigh. I feel like I am just rambling tonight, I cannot make a complete thought. I am so tired. I am so scared. I am so determined.

I will keep my positive attitude. 

I will. 

But tonight...

I am going to let myself be a little sad.

1 comment:

Avery O'Hurley said...

I know you know the song by Kieth Urban called " Tonight I wanna Cry ". Totally different subject matter but, the music speaks. Put it on, and sob your heart out if you need to, to the one(s) that love(s) you, or to yourself.

I know I am... I saw the end result of a man's accidental death today... That'll stay with me forever...

Either way, dont keep it all pint up... I know from personal experience that that's not only not good to do but detrimental to your health. I am happy that you are so determined to have a positive attitude ... personally I don't know if I could.

This sucks, totally sucks eggs... and it's easy to sit and wallow and say why me and it isn't fair and what not and just sit and obsess over something you can't physically control.

It's hard to get up look life straight in the eye and live it.

That takes courage. That takes strength. And you have those attributes and more.

I'm here for you hon if you ever ever ever need me and I am going to and always will encourage you to blog, as I said, even if you mark it as private and no one can read it but you. It'll help.

I'm always here if you need to call. My little one usually wakes me up around two or four in the morning anyway :D


BTW, everyone needs a doctor like Dr. Pink. My OB was one of those kinds of doctors... so was my delivery team... they make all the diffrence in the world.