Wednesday, February 9, 2011


When I started writing this blog,
I told myself,
and others,
I would be brutally honest.
This topic may anger some people,
it may make me look ungrateful,
but I have to write it.

In the last week since I got the news that multiple lymph nodes were positive for metastatic malignant melanoma, the out pour of support, love, positive messages, etc, has been amazing. 


If there has been one positive in this sucky situation thus far, it is seeing how people bond in a crisis. I have--if at all possible--become closer to my family, less likely to pick a silly argument with my sisters, more prone to saying "I love you." 

When your told that your future is uncertain, you take the extra time.

No. Matter. What.

Hearing how people are going out of their way to help me and my leaves me speechless.
There is no way I will ever be able to repay anyone for this.

All I can do is say this-
We sincerely thank you.
If the situation is ever-God forbid-reversed,
I will be your biggest cheerleader.


There is a flip side of all of this. And this is why you may think I am an ungrateful brat.

It is hard for me to accept calls, messages, friend requests from people who have never, EVER been nice to me a day in their lives. Yes, I have cancer. I should (and I am) grateful for every thought, every prayer. But to expect me to pretend like we are best friends? Who are you trying to help feel better...Me or yourself?

I understand I am the latest gossip. 

But I am not a circus freak. 

I share my blog with people because I want others to know the seriousness of skin cancer. You want to look tan for your wedding? Cool. Let's trade spots. I will be the pale bride, you can be the cancer chick. 

I do not feel sorry for myself. Quite the opposite actually. I know that I have an AWESOME support system, and I am determined to kick this thing in its butt. 

I have heard from some people from my past---And that always adds a grin to my face. When I get a message from so-and-so who I haven't talked to since I was a cheerleader in eighth grade, I get to remember those times. That feels good!

And then there are people I haven't heard from...people who mean the world to me. Does it upset me? Maybe a little. But I also know that we all live busy lives, and we all handle things in our own way. Just know, no matter what, you are still special to me.

Now that I have finished that rant.............

I will never be able to express how much I appreciate the things people have done for me: the phone calls, the prayers, the dinners, the offers of support, the little messages that simply make me smile... I feel like I keep repeating myself. But it has meant the WORLD to me. 

Right now-when everything else is uncertain-I have your positive thoughts running through my head. 

It allows me to keep on keepin' on. 


erinbee said...

You aren't the cancer chick. You are my little sister. The one that looked like an adorable baby monkey because you were so hairy when you were little. The one who stole countless books from me and never once returned them with the dust jacket on it (if you returned it at all). The one who has been on the receiving end of countless "what do I do?" text messages.

You are the one who can be so god damned mean it makes my blood boil. The one who is so sweet it makes me grateful I have you as a friend and a sister.

But never, are you ever, nor will you ever be "the cancer chick" because YOU, my dear, are so much more than some stupid medical diagnosis.

Now, excuse me while I go kill you with cholera on Oregon Trail.

Chelsea said...

You made me cry.

I love you. And I should simply come with a warning label..."Does not return books. Makes no apologies for falling in love with them." ;-)

April Clamp said...

I'm so appreciative of your blog! I had my surgery on Thursday and was just thinking these same thoughts earlier today!!! Some of the people I thought would be here, I havent heard from. And ones I never expected to be here for me, have shown crazy amounts of support!