Thursday, February 24, 2011

Being Ms. Independent Gets Me in Trouble.

I have a bad habit
of trying to take care of everyone else.

When I am nervous,
or confused,
I tend to shove people away.
It is my coping mechanism...

Which is why I tried to end things with Mr. Spots today.

I know it was not rational. I know I was just feeling the pressure from the big "C" word (haha, not commitment...cancer!) I know I was hurtful. I know I was being a drama queen. And I know I would be absolutely lost without him.

But I had my reasons....

You see--in my head--I was protecting both of us. I felt like he wasn't facing the cruel reality of what is about to happen, the changes that will alter everything about ME.  I will never again be the girl he fell in love with...who I will be, well, I don't know. In my head, I saw myself as being baggage.

It gets more selfish...

I can't believe I am admitting this for the world to see (damn my promise to be brutally honest) but it is hard for me not to feel resentment towards him. In my selfish mind, I saw him living his life like normal...Here I am, hours away, about to go through the battle of my life, and he gets to continue doing his day to day routine. Do I want any less for him? Of course not. I want him happy. I am just jealous of what he has...his normal, healthy life, the child I may or may not ever have, the ability to stay positive no matter what. I don't want any of that taken away from him--ever--but it is hard to deal with sometimes. On my hardest days, I feel like I am being slapped.

Try to understand---I am angry at the world right now. Not Mr. Spots. I am angry about the drunk on the corner who can CHOOSE to waste his life every day. I am angry at the sorority girl who chooses to tan even though her family has a history of skin cancer. I am angry at anyone and everything because what other emotion can I feel right now? Sure, I am sad. I am destroyed by this. However, if I give into the sadness, it will bury me alive.

So, in my mind, instead of taking my anger out on the one I love, I decided it would be healthier for the both of us if I did the dirty work for him.

Here is the unexpected thing about Mr. Spots...He knows me better than I think he does. He knows that when I am scared, I shut down. I don't trust easily, and he knows that. He could have easily said "OK, Chelsea, do what YOU need to do" and I would have been on my way. Instead, he got extremely frustrated with me, took a break from it, and then flat out refused to accept what I was proposing.

Did I truly want to end things with him? Of course not. I would be lost without him. I have this irrational fear of being hurt...I could blame it on my past but I feel like that would be an easy escape. My way of protecting myself is by leaving before I am left. I know that in the situation with Mr. Spots that is unfair. We have what others want. I know that. But in my very scared mind, I wondered how I could deal if he left me when I get "sick? "

Do I expect him to stay with me? If so, it will because he chooses to do so. Not because he feels sorry for me. I will never beg. If he wants to be with me, he will be with me. Until then I need to go back to enjoying what we have...and the laughter that he adds to my life.

Because...without would not be as fun.


Heath Atnip said...

Yeh, we're not going to let you break up with Mr. Spots either. Truth be told we kind of like having you around. Besides, he's going to need your help when you guys babysit the twins...

erinbee said...

I think it's hysterical that the Google Ad I see right after this is for a big, fat engagement ring.

Just sayin...

Chelsea said...

Heath--- I can't wait! My family has been keeping up with your blog. We are all thinking of you. Give Angie a big hug.

Sis, I'm glad Mr. spots didn't see that. Lol!