Tuesday, February 22, 2011

"I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes..."

I am feeling nervous tonight. Everything about my life has changed and I have very little control over any of it. Is reality hitting me again?

The other day, after reading one of my posts, my friend Kasey sent me a message that accurately describes WHY I am so angry. Having been through the fear of finding out her body was invaded by cancer, she 'gets it.' She wrote, "Someone is stealing something from you that most people never consider possible...your freedom of choice. Your body doesn't completely belong to you right now, and that is a feeling that no one should be ok with. Nothing about this situation is right or fair, nor is it ever going to feel that way. You should be mad! Hell take a boxing class or something just so you can beat something up. Just try to keep your head up. It does get better. It's something that you learn to live with, because honestly things will never be the same as they were before."

Well said, Kasey! I thought everyone needed to read that.

Yes, I am anxious for my upcoming appointment at Sloan Kettering, but I am becoming very nervous. I believe I will receive a brutal wake up call. Right now all of this information is experiences of other people; In a few weeks it will another experience of my own. 

I have researched a lot of my options and they all seem to be rough treatments. Most will require me to spend 4-5 days in the hospital, followed by a few days of rest, and we will repeat the cycle for a series of weeks. Looks like I better get comfy on the Shore...and with hospitals.

Being surrounded by family today has been nice. Seeing my beautiful niece put a huge smile on my face...One thing I can say without a anyone being able to argue, my sister and her ex-hubby made one gorgeous little girl. Her intelligence amazes me. Sometimes I am not sure she is only 4 years old!

Seeing Pop for the first time was great too. I know he had been anxious to "get his eyes" on me. He reminds me that no matter how brutal the treatment is, we will do it, and we will get through it. None of us know what the future holds, not just in terms of the melanoma, but it terms of everything. Regardless---we have each other. Not everyone is lucky enough to say that.

I am going to attempt to get some sleep. I only got about 4 hours last night so I am feeling exhausted. I believe I am going to bite the bullet and talk to the doctor on Friday about possibly taking something to help with the anxiety I experience at night. Life is good when life is busy...when it's quiet, that is when my mind likes to bounce from subject to subject.

My Step Dad told me today, my mind is going to be my biggest help. If I can keep a positive attitude and go about this in a positive way, the outcome has to be better. I refuse to accept anything else.

Off I go...hoping for strength and more sleep.

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